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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChiVotes Ambassadors Beg Anyone, “Literally Anyone,” to Register to Vote

    Niles Watson / November 5, 2024

    Recent tactics to encourage voting from UChiVotes include cornering first-year students until they check their voting location, borrowing UCPD riot gear to force people into the Reynolds Club during early voting, and switching…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Trump Pledges Political Foes Will Only Be “Lightly Tortured” in Second Term

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / November 5, 2024

    “So we’re going to torture people a little, really it’s not so bad, waterboarding or cigarettes or with the electrodes, things of that nature, you have–who do you have–Sleepy Joe, remember him? Lightly…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    South to Install New “Vibe-Based” Fire Alarms

    Emma Zamansky / November 4, 2024

    After two recent false alarms, Renee Granville-Grossman Residential Commons will be replacing all current motion-based fire alarms with new “vibe-based” models.

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago to Pay All Employees in Maroon Dollars

    Chase Teichholz / November 4, 2024

    In an attempt to reduce costs, the University of Chicago has taken a page from George Pullman’s book and will pay all faculty in Maroon dollars.

    read more
  • Politics

    Kamala Harris Fights Fire with Fire; Works at a Wendy’s

    Niles Watson / November 4, 2024

    Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz, the token white guy of the campaign and grill master of the day, also made burgers, commenting, “At least I don’t use charcoal. Jeez Louise, let’s Pop…

    read more
  • Politics

    Harris and Trump Unveil Matching Tattoos in Show of Bipartisanship

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / November 3, 2024

    In a dramatic display of national unity and bipartisanship, Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump announced on Monday that they had gotten matching tattoos.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Top 5 Most Eligible Bachelors at UChicago

    Jacob Halabe / October 21, 2024

    2. Eric M. Heath – Security Alert: Love! Some people may know Eric M. Heath as UChicago’s Associate Vice President of Safety and Security, but did you know that he’s also a sensitive…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Shortened Quarters

    Andrea Zhou / October 20, 2024

    Dear University of Chicago students and faculty members: We are pleased to inform you that, beginning in the 2025-2026 academic year, quarters will be shortened to 1 week of instruction and 1 week…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Naive First-Year Still Thinks He Will Have Same Academic Advisor All Four Years

    Maisie Thompson and 1 more / October 16, 2024

    Pilvin first met his advisor, Justin Thum, just twenty minutes ago. “My advisor is so helpful,” says Pilvin, “He must have a great job with a lot of long-term prospects.”  Pilvin was not…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Practicals” and Other Words to Say at Your House Table So People Know You’re Cool

    Lena Birkholz / October 15, 2024

    Practicals: This apparently has something to do with the biz-econ major. Hopefully, people will think you’re a third year in disguise and not just stressed about getting into a club.

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex
  • Union Army Morale Skyrockets After President Lincoln’s Stunning Kazoo Solo

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