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“We Don’t Know Why We’re Out of Money,” Says Uchicago Admin Poorly Hiding Mountain of Pickles
“Pickles? In the reading rooms? Noooooooooo,” said Dean Melina Hale upon questioning. She then proceeded to shout, “They’re onto us!” into a walkie-talkie before running away.
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UChicago Unveils More Convenient Fourth Meal Dining Plan in the Loop
First-year Harold Houdine, who lives in I-House, told the Dealer that “this new plan is actually pretty good. At least I don’t have to fucking walk to Baker.”
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Breaking News! Human Clones Wreak Havoc
In a collaboration between the I Promise We’re Ethical and the Please Don’t Sue Us Research Centers, scientists have invented Legit, a machine that can perfectly clone a human.
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UChicago Announces $200 Million “Free Expression+” Tier
Participants will be allowed to say racial —and non-racial—slurs, gain discounted access to frats, and receive exclusive entry extra SOSC classes as part of the Free Expression+ Core.
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UChicago Parent Fails Model Class
“I did alright on the model quizzes, but the model final exam was just too hard,” said Brenlo. “I had been out at the model frats that weekend, then went to the model…
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Researchers Predict New Dorm Check-in Policy Will Decimate On-Campus Hookups
"As sexual activity amongst the student body plummets, we should prepare to see a rise in petty theft, vandalism and arson," said Dr. Ivana Hafsecs, a sociologist at the University.
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Point: Beware of the Zombie Apocalypse/ Counterpoint: Brainsssss
We at the Bureau of Undead Containment have recently received alerts of multiple sightings of “mushy grey-pink slush” in relatively isolated areas, which our scientists have confirmed are scattered brains.
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New Dorm Check-In Policy to Require Retinal Scan, Fingerprints
“We believe these requirements will reduce our endemic culture of hooliganism,” said a spokesperson for HRL when asked for comment.
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Incoming First-Year Didn’t Realize He’d Actually Have to Do His Psets
“I always thought that Bart had so much potential... Now I see that he was just fucked all along,” said Dewey Higgins, Wiggins’ roommate, who has been doing his homework for him.
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Sorry! Cool RSO Just One Friend Group That Hates You
“Yeah, if you weren’t in Chenn House in Fall 2021, respectfully fuck right off,” said Charlie Collage, Chief Outreach Officer of the Maroon Scrapbooking Circle.
