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Student Wellness Reports 700% Increase in Gout
"Frankly, this development is extremely disheartening," added Dr. Catherine Lippitz. "It was only a few months ago that we emerged from our battle with croup that claimed two to three hundred students' lives,…
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EPIC NEW FRESHMEN CHARTER NEW FRAT OMEGA OMEGA OMEGA
Anyways, me and my boys are buying this apartment in Solstice cause we don’t like living in I-House and we thought it would be really cool to cram as many people in there…
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Chemistry Department Adds Shorthand Requirement to Make Time for Even Longer Pre-labs
On Wednesday, the University’s Chemistry Department announced a new major requirement for its students: shorthand. While this note-taking technique admittedly disappeared forty years ago, the department is excited about the prospects this change…
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Op-Ed: I Was Let Down By UChicago’s Frivolous Academic Attitude
Last night, I went to Fiji, took five shots, stumbled onto the dance floor, tied my feet to a length of rope, and bungee-jumped down the side of the building. Suffice to say,…
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Golden Retriever Boys Out, Indeterminate Terrier Mix Boys In Says New Poll
Indeterminate terrier mix boys led the polls, closely followed by Doberman-Chihuahua boys. “I’m so sick of the weaponized incompetence. Why are you in Physics for Future Presidents? You’re literally a physics major!?” said…
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RH’s Dog Overwhelmed From the Weight of Every Student’s Mental Well-Being
“It’s just too much of an emotional burden,” Lulu told the Dealer, “This one guy literally started sobbing when I let him rub my tummy. I may be cute, but that’s just not…
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University Initiates Book Drive for Local Elementary School
When asked about the book drive program, one parent responded, “Wait, they’re selling the books, right? For money? And then they’re giving us the money. Right?” The parent expressed disappointment upon being provided…
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Disaster Strikes! Kid You Hate Still Goes Here
Realistically, the dream that he would leave the school, or at least get thrown out the door of a plane, was unlikely. But did he really have to spawn right here, right now?…
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Classmates Who Voted Kevin McCarthy “Most Likely to Succeed” Express Chagrin
In a statement published shortly after the vote, more than two hundred members of the Bakersfield High School Class of 1983 wrote that the dramatic turn of events had left them with “egg…
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UCPD Arrests Peaceful Protesters: “The ‘Free Speech’ Thing Stops After 5:30”
This Thursday, UCPD arrested 25 students and two faculty members engaging in a peaceful sit-in inside Rosenwald. UChicago has long been a champion of free speech, except when it occurs after 5:30pm. In…
