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Area Youth Wastes First Wet Dream on Mrs. MacNeilson
By Dan Lastres May 26, 2015 Tuesday- LocalCHICAGO—Area pre-teenager Alex Sanderson had been anticipating his first unconscious orgasm since he first heard his older brother, Jacobke Sanderson, soil the sheets of thehis bottom…
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Study: Fear of Snakes “Totally Reasonable”
By Daniel Moattar May 26, 2015 Study: Fear of Snakes “Totally Reasonable”The fear of snakes is a completely sensible reaction to environmental factors, including extreme fucking deadliness and terrifying goddamn slithery noisesResearchers at…
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MIT Scientists Unsure What You Did in Chem Lab
By Morgan Pantuck May 26, 2015 Citing your product’s unusual color, texture, and melting point, Citing your product’s unusual color, texture, and melting point, a panel of MIT’s top scientists confirmed today that…
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Anyone You Don’t See Right Now Might Be Dead
By Evan Bernstein May 26, 2015 Look around you. Are there people? Are they alive? Cool. That’s all you know, though. Anyone who isn’t in your immediate field of vision right at this…
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Top Nine Most Common Sexual Fetishes
By Milena Pross May 26, 2015 Many people are ashamed of their sexual preferences, but it’s 2015. Fetishes that were once thought of as “unusual,” “disturbing,” or “very very inappropriate for brunch” are…
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Date Ruined by Date
By Evan Bernstein May 26, 2015 According to sources who wish to remain anonymous, everything was set up perfectly for Julia Meyer’s date last Saturday. There were candles on the table, she was…
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She’s Not My Girlfriend, Mom
By Walker King May 26, 2015 Mom, I appreciate all you’ve done for me. Were it not for the fact that you selflessly feed and clothe me, and selflessly allow me to e…
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What Are We Splurging on This Week?
By Sam Taylor May 26, 2015 1) Inklings, Histories, and Mysteries 2) Hanging out with the gang 3)Carp 4)Sweatshirts with the words “Let’s Hear it for the Boys!” 5) Cheetos Brand Cheetos 6)Stuff…
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Victims’ Families Find Comfort in Protracted Legal Battle
By Dan Lastres May 26, 2015 Victims’ Families Find Comfort in Protracted Legal Battle Convicted murderer Hollis Rhoper, better known as “The the “Falsetto Killer,” has received a deathcapital sentence on Wednesday for…
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Admissions Report: 90% of Incoming First-years had Life-changing Experience in Africa
By Anna Belle Newport July 17, 2015 The University of Chicago Office of Admissions, after releasing statistics on the incoming class of 2019 on Tuesday, claims to have the most globally experienced cohort…
