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First year refers to Everything as “The Quad”
By Evan Bernstein July 23, 2014 CHICAGO – According to sources familiar with the semantic controversy, University of Chicago first-year Jacob Brinkler has been referring to various campus buildings, outdoor sites, and even…
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LD Break-Up Mad Libs
By Morgan Pantuck Aug. 1, 2014 LDR Break-Up Mad Libs By Morgan Pantuck Dear Sam, We need to [verb]. I know that we wanted to give long-distance a/an [adjective] shot, and that I…
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Things your parents Have Already Replaced You With
By Maya Handa Aug. 1, 2014 10 things your parents have already replaced you with Maya Handa 1. A darling vase 2. A self-loading dishwasher 3. Three Christmas ornaments 4. A therapist 5.…
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RH’s Kid Knows What You Did
By Chris Deakin Aug. 4, 2014 RH’s Child Knows What You Did With Orientation Week in its second day, sources close to Resident Heads George and Patty Finch of Janotta House can confirm…
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First year Displays Dominance by Sexiling Roommate, Urinating on Laptop
By Isaac Krone Aug. 10, 2014 After a devastating thirteen hours of sexile, Hitchcock resident Ryan Thompson was able to re-enter his beloved room—a room now deeply scarred by a bitter battle for…
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“East is Lake,” says Fur-clad Campus Tour Guide
By Daniel Moattar Aug. 10, 2014 “East Is Lake,” Says Fur-Clad Campus Tour Guide East is lake. Student-to-faculty ratio extremely low. One hundred percent of instructors have terminal degrees. On left is Reynolds…
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Seven Things White People Need to Stop Doing
By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 13, 2014 1. Moaning 2. Rattling chains 3. Levitating objects 4. Seeking vengeance from beyond the grave. 5. Reminding me of my late great-aunt. 6. Replacing the milk in…
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Candy Corn Neither
By Evan Bernstein Oct. 21, 2014 A Chicago Shady Dealer exclusive investigation has revealed that the beloved Halloween treat is neither candy nor corn. The classic late-October treat was exposed as an outright…
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After First Beers, First Years Cry First Tears
By Evan Bernstein Oct. 21, 2014 After quite a night of drinking and thinking, smarties at parties had too much Bacardi and fell into a well of crying and sighing, not one son…
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Classifieds
By Matthew Goldenberg and Morgan Pantuck Oct. 21, 2014 “Lab” partner wanted Looking to experiment with girls. Must have significant biology and chemistry background, advanced laboratory skills, a research portfolio, and huge ol’…
