By Teddy Zamborsky Dec. 8, 2014 T’was the night before finals and all the through the dorm Not a student was stirring, trying to keep warm The papers were done, written without a…

By Matthew Goldenberg Dec. 26, 2014 When he entered his living room on Christmas morning, Tommy Harrison found that the urine-leaking box under his tree did not, in fact, contain a puppy. Tommy,…

By by Vice President for Safety and Security Marlon Lynch Dec. 30, 2014 Wow. I think something fucking crazy happened under the Reg once. I know your professors would never breathe a word…

By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 30, 2014 Ladies, we have it rough. Between periods, emotional breakdowns, and dealing with dumb boys 24/7, there are hundreds of reasons that being a girl is no walk…

By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 30, 2014 Point: End Body Shaming Now! People don’t like to hear that the media influences their most personal thoughts and feelings, but it’s true. Television, movies, the music…

By Alex Foster Dec. 30, 2014 When Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was released in 2009, it opened our eyes to a future of meteorology and food science that no one had…

By Isaac Krone Dec. 31, 2014 After decades of inequality and economic tension ignited a brutal ethnic conflict in the Middle East earlier this week, God, the all-loving, all-powerful creator of the universe…

By Dan Lastres Dec. 31, 2014 Classified: Artist Seeks Torture Aspiring artist with privileged upbringing seeks malevolent acts to inspire creative works. Applicants can expect to  Humiliate me in public  Point…

By Dan Lastres Dec. 31, 2014 As 2014 drew to a close, the Dealer received numerous reports of encounters with an exceedingly sharp-witted man in the area. claiming he would “see [us] next…

By Christopher Walker Dec. 31, 2014 After more than a decade of research, physicists at Fermilab have concluded that Fox News broadcasts are composed of neither journalism nor entertainment. “The experiment began when…