The Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • Online Only
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
  • Home
  • Online Only
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

read more
October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
  • Historical Issue

    New Whig Political Party Objectively Has Stupidest Name

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 15, 2025

    The sound is entirely too breathy, and the affection is not sufficiently stately enough for a grand party of these four-and-twenty states of America!

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    This Snake Oil Stuff Is So Good! Really Delicious You Should Try It I’m Climbing The Walls

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 11, 2025

    My cough is entirely gone, but I am having a bit of trouble seeing the newspaper. The paper boy got me right between the eyes and I just kind of stood there for…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 9, 2025

    Lord Byron swears he wrote “She Walks In Beauty” about your wife three years before ever meeting her.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    SSRIs Cure Great Depression

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 5, 2025

    “The problem is that everyone is sad,” said Council for International Economists chairman John Maynard Keynes. “If everyone were happy, people would buy stuff and the economy would be good. But everyone is…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 3, 2025

    Every morning, you all crowd down to Canary Wharf to look for work, and often, you are offered a job. And what a job it is! Unburdened by skill, or artisanship, you can…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 1, 2025

    “There’s no way one of those dastardly machines can replace one o’ us!” said Johnny Cross, a ten-year-old orphan in the workhouse.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg

    Chicago Shady Dealer / June 30, 2025

    “Zis is zee greatest honor a man can be given,” said Crashenblimpen, “I am compliment zat zis vill not be an ironic coincidence years on.”

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / June 29, 2025

    “Why a musical? I’m a serious historical figure, and you guys are just dancing around the stage rapping. Oh dear, please tell me you didn’t include the affair… oh yes, yes you did."

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / June 27, 2025

    The text reportedly opens five years after the events of the first book, and follows Jorge Jorwell, karate master and secret revolutionary leader who’s also really hot and has a lot of sex.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War

    Chicago Shady Dealer / June 26, 2025

    Kleene has already had an established career inventing mind-boggling mathematical concepts to demonstrate his non-existent narcissism, such as the Kleene closure, and Kleene algebra.

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • ICE Deports Jesus Christ
  • Help! My Roommate Thinks Anthony Bourdain and Jeffery Epstein Are the Same Person
  • Top Five Passive-Aggressive Stares to Give to Somone Eating Too Loudly in the Reg
  • University of Chicago Rolls Out New “Post-Mortem Education Continuity Plan”
  • Heartwarming: North Resident Bravely Pulls Fire Alarm at 11 PM in Solidarity with Woodlawn
  • Harvard Student: If I Didn’t Want an A, I Would’ve Gone to UChicago!
  • Point: Cancel Classes for Snow / Counterpoint: You Knew Chicago Was Colder Than California
  • Econ Professor: University Could “Fix Deficit” by Repossessing Free Orientation T-Shirts
  • In sharp response to ICE aggression, Democrats write extremely angry letter
  • Student to Test Limits of Regenstein’s “Snacks but No Meals” Policy

Chicago Shady Dealer

  • Home
  • Online Only
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Archives

Categories

For Writers

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
© 2026 Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • Online Only
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
Ashe Theme by WP Royal.