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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Sports

    Confused Animal Rights Group seen protesting outside NFL HQ after Bad Bunny announcement

    Alexa Walsh / December 30, 2025

    The protest soon turned into a discourse hotspot on the best Bad Bunny track. Passersbys, unknowing of the bunny cause, joined in as a crowd of people dressed up like bunnies danced to…

    read more
  • Sports

    LA Dodgers Fan finds out the Dodgers are a Baseball team and not a Hat Company

    Alexa Walsh / December 16, 2025

    “I was absolutely shocked,” said Carl, after realizing his favorite model, a 6’2” man named Teoscar Hernández from the Dominican Republic, is actually an outfielder.

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer,  Politics,  Sports

    “Yes, I’m a Baller” Says Mamdani After Cuomo Accuses Him of Being LeBron James in Disguise

    Alexa Walsh / October 26, 2025

    Mamdani proceeded to step from behind his podium, take a basketball from one of the moderators, and shoot from his spot on the stage all the way to the other side of the…

    read more
  • Sports

    Buccaneers’ Tom Brady to Be Traded for a Man Who Will “Spend Some Goddamn Time With the Kids”

    William Foster / December 5, 2022

    Brady was optimistic about his future with whichever woman he will surely end up with. “I feel confident that I can find another woman who won’t be so damn picky.” 

    read more
  • Sports

    Angry Patriots Fans Revoke Standing Offer to Suck Tom Brady’s Dick, But We Haven’t

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 7, 2021

    Several irate Patriots fans, livid after the appearance of Tom Brady in a Tampa Bay Buccaneers uniform at Super Bowl LV, have retracted their standing offers to perform oral sex on the quarterback…

    read more
  • Sports

    Biathlon Fever! The Olympics is Adding Shooting to Every Other Sport!

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic Feb. 24, 2018 Following public interest in the biathlon, an Olympic sport that combines cross-country skiing and rifle shooting, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that all Olympic sports will…

    read more

Read It and Weep

  • Bowls of Adderall Labeled “Don’t Do It ;)” Found Across Campus
  • Trump creates “Random Gender Generator” to replace X markers on passports
  • Point: I would love you if you turned into a worm/Counterpoint: I would not love you if you turned into a worm
  • Top Five Foods to Try… Er, Tables to Visit at the Study Abroad Fair
  • Alphabet Ct De to Bdget Crisis
  • Deal of the Century! “Functional Government” Listed on Black Friday Sale for $54.99
  • Join Singe
  • Wet Socks Make Students More Productive, Says Designer of the Sidewalk Outside Cobb Hall
  • Trans Fats Banned a Second Time for Being Woke
  • The Campus Printer Decides My Essay Is Simply Not Meant to Be

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