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Local Dad “Doing His Own Research” on COVID Vaccination Nabs NIH Grant
When local father Mike Jones said that he would be doing his own research on vaccination, his small suburban town thought they had heard it all before. “I thought he was just going…
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Give Us Your Credit Card Number and We’ll Tell You About Our New Jetski
Now, we understand, you might be thinking: what do you need my credit card number for? What could my credit card number possibly have to do with some definitely pre-existing jetski? What a…
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Guy in Practice Room Humored by Neighbor’s Feeble Attempt At Music
“How cute,” thought Jeff Herbert, a second year living in Campus North Residential Commons, as he overheard the music coming from the room over. “They really let anybody play in these practice rooms…
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Red October: Wellness Czar Overthrown by Bolsheviks in House Council Election
This just in: Nicholas Romanov, the longtime Wellness Czar of Salisbury House in Burton-Judson, has been unseated by an anonymous group gaining traction on campus: “The Wellness Bolsheviks”. According to our sources, the…
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Op-Ed: Stext and the City: Stacks Are Not-So-Secret Haven for Desperate Undergrads
Books are teachers, and very patient ones, for that matter. The lesson that all the books in the Regenstein bookstacks collectively taught me is that sometimes I should trust the posts on UChicago…
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Sloth of Bears Reported inside PIKE Fraternity Building
At 9:30 p.m. on Saturday, September 25, a sloth of American black bears (Ursus americanus) was reported inside the PIKE fraternity house. After getting over our befuddlement at the fact that a group…
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Four Social Blunders to Avoid During O-Week
Hello new students! O-week is finally unfolding, and we hope you’re ready to meet your peers. Knowing this school, and the kinds of people it attracts, it is only natural that many of…
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Data Driven Analysis of the Most Likely Wars Dean Boyer Will Liken to Getting into the University of Chicago at Convocation
It’s that time of the year again: back to school sales are starting, temperatures are cooling, and college students across the country are preparing to return to campus for what they hope may…
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IOP Announces New Fellow, Former Governor Andrew Cuomo
The Institute of Politics at the University of Chicago has announced that former governor of New York Andrew Cuomo will join the Institute as a fellow for the 2021-22 academic year. In an…
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Mad-Libs: Write a Thinker Article!
On campus, I was “cancelled” by my so-called “tolerant” peers for [VERB ENDING IN -ING] a(n) [SINGULAR NOUN] at Cathey Dining Commons. Under the Reagan administration, such a display would have been welcomed,…
