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Student Forgets to Return Textbook, Is Fined $7 Billion
"In an emotionally charged interview with the Dealer, they apologized to their descendants for consigning their family to abject poverty for generations."
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OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”
In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.
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First Year Likes Resident Head’s Dog a Little Too Much
Amanda and Bubbles — a middle-aged golden retriever — have spent time together, going on walks and chasing squirrels, rabbits, and mailmen. By second week, if Amanda was coming to the end of…
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Woodlawn Announces Intramural Cockfighting League to Boost House Culture
Aiming to bolster its flagging house participation, as well as its subpar performance in IM sports, Woodlawn announced the creation of a new inter-house sport: intramural cockfighting.
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MAB Bans Non-Black Concertgoers from Saying N-Word at Summer Breeze, Causes Stir
“I just feel like this is a slippery slope. First they ban the N-word during concerts, and next thing you know, we can’t use it in SOSC,” commented Walter Chang, a fourth-year physics…
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Breaking: Your New Student Government
The Student Government elections are over, and the Shady Dealer has the scoop on the winners! In other news, we got arrested for breaking into the office of the Elections and Rules committee,…
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Sexy Jesus & Apoptles Rumble Time!!!
Editor’s note: The Shady Dealer found this written on a piece of butcher paper in a trash can outside the divinity school. Please direct any complaints towards the original author. AUTHORS NOTE: This…
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Four Complaints I Would Have About UChi-Con – If I Went, Which I Definitely Didn’t
The UChicago anime club held its annual anime convention last Saturday in Ida Noyes. To be clear, I didn’t know about this until I heard about it from a couple of weebs in…
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Op-Ed from an Autistic Person: Why I Am Elated That I No Longer Have to Practice Masking
As you, the reader, are no doubt aware, the University lifted mandates on the practice of masking on our campus this week. Masking, defined by psychologists, is a social technique employed by autistic…
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How to Ride a Llama
Find a llama. Choose a llama that is appropriate for you based on height and weight. Make sure the llama has a reputation for being friendly and cooperative. Mount your llama. If…
