I had a great time in upstate New York with a few of my relatives this Turkey Day. Before dinner even started, Mom was already pretty upset because my seventeen-year-old brother, Kyle, told…

By Chicago Shady Dealer Romance Division Feb. 6, 2019                Alright. Real talk. No jokes. Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Love, motherfucker. We did the research, — well actually,…

By Audrey Fromson Dec. 5, 2018 Maybe you were late to cuffing season. Or maybe you’ve been banned from participating in your friend group’s Secret Santa after spending $0.07 over the limit for Janet last…

By Adam Lowinger Nov. 2, 2018 Following a new rule permitting the use of melee weapons, a recent report has shown a rise in injuries among Humans Versus Zombies players.  Humans Vs Zombies (HVZ)…

By Diego Pedulla-Smith and Wesley Adams Oct. 22, 2018   Students enjoying a lively Saturday night may have gotten a little more excitement than they had anticipated after President Bill Clinton got into…

By Thomas Noriega Sept. 24, 2018 I was feeling a bit restless and my sex life was spiraling into abject boredom. Vanilla hookups weren’t doing anything for me and I’d masturbated to everything…

By Clarence Burrough May 25, 2018   The residents of 5743 South Cornell awoke to a health inspector knocking on their door this past Tuesday. Working quickly, the inspector documented eighteen violations, three of…

By Terence Vestibule May 4, 2018 New York City, 1851 Herman Melville, renowned New York author and poet, was reportedly furious earlier today upon discovering that his editors had changed every instance of…

By Deblina Mukherjee April 20, 2018 1. Dystopia, Utopia, Australia (NELC 69300) The scope of the honors section is the same as the standard section, but it covers material at greater depth and…

By Deblina Mukherjee Feb. 20, 2018 Architectural Mockup of the New Dorm An email from Dean John “Jay” Boyer confirmed what Dealer investigators have long suspected: the University’s newest residence hall will be…