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Dean Nondorf Returns to Cryo-Freezer as Prospie Season Ends
With the campus no longer awash in eager and precocious high schoolers, Dean Nondorf is returning to cryogenic slumber until the next admissions cycle resumes. Shane Zimmer, Robert Zimmer’s secret bastard child and…
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Word of the Week: Schadenfreude
Ever heard of banging a ‘uey? Do you like jimmies on your ice cream? Super Bowl LIII is upon us, so now’s the time to learn some useful new terms about our buds…
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How to Closed-Mouth Smile at Your Bar Night Hook-Up
We’ve all been there: you wake up on a Thursday morning to find yourself next to the Econ Bro who let you take a rip off of his Juul at Alpha Delt the…
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Why the University of Chicago Should Divest from my Ex-Girlfriend
The University of Chicago is one of the most respected universities in the world, both as a college and research institution, and this respect creates a certain amount of responsibility, especially in regards…
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I Thoroughly Enjoyed Thanksgiving with My Family
I had a great time in upstate New York with a few of my relatives this Turkey Day. Before dinner even started, Mom was already pretty upset because my seventeen-year-old brother, Kyle, told…
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How To Tell Your Parents You’re a Philosophy Major Now
By Jean-Jacques Buterbaugh Dec. 5, 2018 You got home for winter break the other day but you can feel a lingering tension in the air. Your parents seem excited to see you but they…
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Administration Finally Addresses Dental Health Stigma Through Dental Health Awareness Week
By Harry Weinstein Dec. 5, 2018 Last Thursday, Dean John Boyer unveiled a new wellness initiative: Dental Health Awareness Week. Dean Boyer said the campaign was put in place to ensure no student forgets…
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Bookstore Adds Hard Liquor to School Supply Section
By Oliva Reeves Nov. 2, 2018 Following numerous requests from students doing last-minute back-to-school shopping, the UChicago Bookstore announced this week that it will add a selection of liquor to its already-expansive merchandise collection. …
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Ghosts of Friedman, Stigler Moan in 4th Circle of Hell as Ominous Trumpet Announces Entry of New Damned Soul
By Tsing Sum Lo Oct. 26, 2018 Infernal sources from the 4th Circle of Hell report that the spirits of George J. Stigler and Milton Friedman let out soul-splitting moans from their…
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Man Sues the Sun for $385 Million in Cancer Settlement
By Jacob Johnson Sept. 24, 2018 In an unprecedented legal action, Bay Area resident Thomas Harshburger filed a complaint today against none other than the Sun, the well-known star orbited by planet…
