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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First year’s Dad going out his way to introduce himself to parents of future exes

    Dingo Mingo / October 6, 2019

    Chicago, IL-  Amid the chaos and anxiety of move in day, local dad Steve Cooper remembered to make time for what was really important– that is, making sure to introduce himself to all…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    What To Do If You Call Your RH “Mom”

    Dumbo Mumbo / October 6, 2019

    We’ve all been there: it’s O-Week and you’re having dinner at your house table. The food is feeling especially Bartlett-y today. You ask your RH to pass you the salt for some much…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Incoming Horace Mann Student: “Aww Shucks, the Big City at Last!”

    Diego Matamoros / October 6, 2019

    When Billy Bob Worthington got off the greyhound bus straight from his sleepy little town in Midtown Manhattan, he could hardly believe his eyes. “Awww shucks, the Big City at last!” He proclaimed…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    O-Aide Mad with Power

    A Concerned Citizen / October 6, 2019

    Disturbing reports out of Wendt house reveal that House O-Aide Kevin has succumbed to the allure of his office and gone mad with power. Kevin, who was chosen as an O-Aide for his…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Obituaries (Special Pre-Screening)

    / October 6, 2019

    In the spirit of the new school year, we at the Shady Dealer have decided to plan ahead for a change, “fall”-ing forward into the quarter’s warm embrace before “spring”-ing back into our…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    College Republicans Hold “We Swear We Aren’t Evil” Party for Incoming First-years

    / October 3, 2019

    Responding to concerns raised by anyone with a conscience, UChicago College Republicans has announced an O-Week party called “We Swear We Aren’t Evil” in an effort to reach out to incoming first-years. In…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Help! I Read a Jordan Peterson Article and Now My Finger is Stuck Up My Ass!

    / May 16, 2019

    Jordan Peterson, the Canadian psychologist known to roll with the likes of Ben Shapiro and Sam Harris, is a best-selling author of self-help books, the most recent of which is 12 Rules for…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Indicts Itself in College Admissions Scandal, Insists It’s Desirable Enough For People to Pay to Get Into

    / May 16, 2019

    In a bizarre admission of guilt, University of Chicago officials confirmed that they were also involved in the admissions scandals surrounding such schools as USC, Georgetown, and Yale in a campus-wide email on…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Admissions Allows Fraternities to Host for April Overnights

    Thomas Noriega / May 16, 2019

    In response to rising acceptance rates, the Office of Admissions has had to search far and wide in search of new places to host prospective students. In a show of goodwill and philanthropy,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    FDA Recommends Dinosaur Egg Oatmeal for Daily Nostalgia Needs

    Nico Aldape / May 16, 2019

    Long recommended by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as a fuel for one’s morning and a buffer from coffee acidity, breakfast is a very important meal. However, according to new research, the…

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Read It and Weep

  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship

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