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First year’s Dad going out his way to introduce himself to parents of future exes
Chicago, IL- Amid the chaos and anxiety of move in day, local dad Steve Cooper remembered to make time for what was really important– that is, making sure to introduce himself to all…
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What To Do If You Call Your RH “Mom”
We’ve all been there: it’s O-Week and you’re having dinner at your house table. The food is feeling especially Bartlett-y today. You ask your RH to pass you the salt for some much…
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Incoming Horace Mann Student: “Aww Shucks, the Big City at Last!”
When Billy Bob Worthington got off the greyhound bus straight from his sleepy little town in Midtown Manhattan, he could hardly believe his eyes. “Awww shucks, the Big City at last!” He proclaimed…
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O-Aide Mad with Power
Disturbing reports out of Wendt house reveal that House O-Aide Kevin has succumbed to the allure of his office and gone mad with power. Kevin, who was chosen as an O-Aide for his…
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Obituaries (Special Pre-Screening)
In the spirit of the new school year, we at the Shady Dealer have decided to plan ahead for a change, “fall”-ing forward into the quarter’s warm embrace before “spring”-ing back into our…
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College Republicans Hold “We Swear We Aren’t Evil” Party for Incoming First-years
Responding to concerns raised by anyone with a conscience, UChicago College Republicans has announced an O-Week party called “We Swear We Aren’t Evil” in an effort to reach out to incoming first-years. In…
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Help! I Read a Jordan Peterson Article and Now My Finger is Stuck Up My Ass!
Jordan Peterson, the Canadian psychologist known to roll with the likes of Ben Shapiro and Sam Harris, is a best-selling author of self-help books, the most recent of which is 12 Rules for…
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University Indicts Itself in College Admissions Scandal, Insists It’s Desirable Enough For People to Pay to Get Into
In a bizarre admission of guilt, University of Chicago officials confirmed that they were also involved in the admissions scandals surrounding such schools as USC, Georgetown, and Yale in a campus-wide email on…
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Admissions Allows Fraternities to Host for April Overnights
In response to rising acceptance rates, the Office of Admissions has had to search far and wide in search of new places to host prospective students. In a show of goodwill and philanthropy,…
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FDA Recommends Dinosaur Egg Oatmeal for Daily Nostalgia Needs
Long recommended by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as a fuel for one’s morning and a buffer from coffee acidity, breakfast is a very important meal. However, according to new research, the…
