In a bizarre admission of guilt, University of Chicago officials confirmed that they were also involved in the admissions scandals surrounding such schools as USC, Georgetown, and Yale in a campus-wide email on Monday.
President of the University Robert ZimZam-Babam wrote, “It is with great regret that we join our prestigious colleagues in this disastrous, horrific scandal that has plagued the most elite universities in the world.”
The President continued: “Students and parents are so determined to enjoy all the benefits of a UChicago education including our excellent undergraduate teaching, amazing weather and location, quality inexpensive food and housing, and healthy social and mental environment that they are willing to break the rules to guarantee admissions. While we try our hardest to ensure this form of bribery and elite privilege takes place only through the official channels of large block donations and legacy consideration, some activities do manage to slip through the cracks. We take full responsibility for the mishaps, and those employees who lined their own pockets instead of the University’s have been forced to take positions teaching 8:30 discussion classes.”
The University’s admission of guilt came as a surprise to many, including federal investigators who had been on the case since 2015. An investigator, who chose to remain anonymous, told the Dealer that there was no evidence suggesting the scandal that had been plaguing top universities extended to UChicago: “Well, basically the thing is, you know, people have to want to pay to get in for anything illegal to happen. We’re just not seeing the same things at UChicago as we are at these better schools, such as Harvard.”
Dean of the College John Boyer, when asked to respond to the Investigator’s comments, began to prepare a reasoned response before seemingly short-circuiting and muttering “Harvard…Harvard…Harvard!!!” over and over again. Boyer was then swept away by University officials.
At the time of printing, it has just been confirmed that U.S. News and World Report will now take into account such admissions scandals in their annual university rankings as a measure of “desirability.” It is yet unconfirmed if UChicago will maintain its third place ranking, but University officials are optimistic, writing, “Our student body is already one of the most privileged in the world; if we can tap into that privilege before they even get here, we should be able to do very well in the rankings.
Rumors surrounding movie star Angelina Jolie’s visit to campus have also caused controversy and hopes that she will illegally bribe school officials for a family member’s admission. President Zimmer said such an arrangement would be “a big win for the University,” and he “strongly dismisses” any rumors that Jolie was paid to appear on campus to make the school seem more desirable.