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A Look at the Class of 2023
First years, welcome to UChicago! We can’t wait to have you and hope that the next four to six years of your life will be as enlightening and exciting as ours have been.…
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UChicago’s Quest for The Perfect Ranking
It’s 2019 and Ash has finally became the champion of the Pokémon League, but the University of Chicago has once again been denied the coveted title of the #1 ranking among U.S. universities.…
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PSA: PEE AFTER SEX
The start of college is a wonderful time of exploration and growth. For many, it’s their first time to let loose. If you go here, you certainly didn’t get invited to parties in…
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New Study Says Making Your Bed is For Jackasses
Scientists this week announced the results of their groundbreaking study on bed-making at the Chicago Decision Research Lab. The study, which lasted for over a decade and measured factors such as overall orderliness,…
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Is UChicago Able to Defend Itself from Roaming Barbarian Hordes? A Review of the Campus’s Defensive Capacities as a Medieval Castle
We hear it all the time from fiendishly nerdy propsies and overly eager first years: “OMG, Kayla, look, this place is a castle. OMG, can you believe it, we go to Hogwarts? XD.”…
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First year’s Dad going out his way to introduce himself to parents of future exes
Chicago, IL- Amid the chaos and anxiety of move in day, local dad Steve Cooper remembered to make time for what was really important– that is, making sure to introduce himself to all…
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What To Do If You Call Your RH “Mom”
We’ve all been there: it’s O-Week and you’re having dinner at your house table. The food is feeling especially Bartlett-y today. You ask your RH to pass you the salt for some much…
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Incoming Horace Mann Student: “Aww Shucks, the Big City at Last!”
When Billy Bob Worthington got off the greyhound bus straight from his sleepy little town in Midtown Manhattan, he could hardly believe his eyes. “Awww shucks, the Big City at last!” He proclaimed…
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O-Aide Mad with Power
Disturbing reports out of Wendt house reveal that House O-Aide Kevin has succumbed to the allure of his office and gone mad with power. Kevin, who was chosen as an O-Aide for his…
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Obituaries (Special Pre-Screening)
In the spirit of the new school year, we at the Shady Dealer have decided to plan ahead for a change, “fall”-ing forward into the quarter’s warm embrace before “spring”-ing back into our…
