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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Get Your Dick out of the Revolving Door of the Reg

    Randy Beans / November 14, 2019

    If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably had a few sleepless nights in this bad boy. And if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably gotten your dick stuck in the revolving door more…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dean Boyer Just Kinda Hanging Out at FIJI Pledge Event

    Thomas Noriega / November 11, 2019

    Students interested in joining the UChicago chapter of Phi Delta Gamma, colloquially known as FIJI, were surprised to find John Boyer, Dean of Students for the College, sitting on a sofa in the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Mayor Pete Visits IOP, Gets Mistaken for First Year

    A Larger First Year / November 6, 2019

    “Can I help you with something?” asks a concerned staff member as someone resembling a small but well-dressed first year opens the doors to the IOP. “Actually,” the mysterious person replies, “You can.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UCPD Saves Day, Drives around Block

    Erin Braner / November 6, 2019

    UCPD officers heroically drove around the block yesterday, according to multiple eyewitness statements. One witness praised when asked for comment: “Yeah, they just make me feel safe. I honestly don’t know what I…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Letter from the Editors

    Chicago Shady Dealer / October 6, 2019

    To our dozens of readers, both old and new, Welcome, we’re glad to have you. Ernest Hemingway once said “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A Look at the Class of 2023

    Chicago Shady Dealer / October 6, 2019

    First years, welcome to UChicago! We can’t wait to have you and hope that the next four to six years of your life will be as enlightening and exciting as ours have been.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago’s Quest for The Perfect Ranking

    Rahul Gupta / October 6, 2019

    It’s 2019 and Ash has finally became the champion of the Pokémon League, but the University of Chicago has once again been denied the coveted title of the #1 ranking among U.S. universities.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    PSA: PEE AFTER SEX

    Chicago Shady Dealer / October 6, 2019

    The start of college is a wonderful time of exploration and growth. For many, it’s their first time to let loose. If you go here, you certainly didn’t get invited to parties in…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Study Says Making Your Bed is For Jackasses

    Calpurnia Higgenbotham / October 6, 2019

    Scientists this week announced the results of their groundbreaking study on bed-making at the Chicago Decision Research Lab. The study, which lasted for over a decade and measured factors such as overall orderliness,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Is UChicago Able to Defend Itself from Roaming Barbarian Hordes? A Review of the Campus’s Defensive Capacities as a Medieval Castle

    / October 6, 2019

    We hear it all the time from fiendishly nerdy propsies and overly eager first years: “OMG, Kayla, look, this place is a castle. OMG, can you believe it, we go to Hogwarts? XD.”…

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Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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