The Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Get Your Dick out of the Revolving Door of the Reg

    Randy Beans / November 14, 2019

    If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably had a few sleepless nights in this bad boy. And if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably gotten your dick stuck in the revolving door more…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dean Boyer Just Kinda Hanging Out at FIJI Pledge Event

    Thomas Noriega / November 11, 2019

    Students interested in joining the UChicago chapter of Phi Delta Gamma, colloquially known as FIJI, were surprised to find John Boyer, Dean of Students for the College, sitting on a sofa in the…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Mayor Pete Visits IOP, Gets Mistaken for First Year

    A Larger First Year / November 6, 2019

    “Can I help you with something?” asks a concerned staff member as someone resembling a small but well-dressed first year opens the doors to the IOP. “Actually,” the mysterious person replies, “You can.…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UCPD Saves Day, Drives around Block

    Erin Braner / November 6, 2019

    UCPD officers heroically drove around the block yesterday, according to multiple eyewitness statements. One witness praised when asked for comment: “Yeah, they just make me feel safe. I honestly don’t know what I…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Letter from the Editors

    Chicago Shady Dealer / October 6, 2019

    To our dozens of readers, both old and new, Welcome, we’re glad to have you. Ernest Hemingway once said “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A Look at the Class of 2023

    Chicago Shady Dealer / October 6, 2019

    First years, welcome to UChicago! We can’t wait to have you and hope that the next four to six years of your life will be as enlightening and exciting as ours have been.…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago’s Quest for The Perfect Ranking

    Rahul Gupta / October 6, 2019

    It’s 2019 and Ash has finally became the champion of the Pokémon League, but the University of Chicago has once again been denied the coveted title of the #1 ranking among U.S. universities.…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    PSA: PEE AFTER SEX

    Chicago Shady Dealer / October 6, 2019

    The start of college is a wonderful time of exploration and growth. For many, it’s their first time to let loose. If you go here, you certainly didn’t get invited to parties in…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Study Says Making Your Bed is For Jackasses

    Calpurnia Higgenbotham / October 6, 2019

    Scientists this week announced the results of their groundbreaking study on bed-making at the Chicago Decision Research Lab. The study, which lasted for over a decade and measured factors such as overall orderliness,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Is UChicago Able to Defend Itself from Roaming Barbarian Hordes? A Review of the Campus’s Defensive Capacities as a Medieval Castle

    / October 6, 2019

    We hear it all the time from fiendishly nerdy propsies and overly eager first years: “OMG, Kayla, look, this place is a castle. OMG, can you believe it, we go to Hogwarts? XD.”…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex
  • Union Army Morale Skyrockets After President Lincoln’s Stunning Kazoo Solo
  • New Whig Political Party Objectively Has Stupidest Name

Chicago Shady Dealer

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Archives

Categories

For Writers

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
© 2025 Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
Ashe Theme by WP Royal.