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Class of 2024 First-Ever Not to Know Which Direction Is North
HYDE PARK, BUT NOT REALLY – For the first time in its history, the majority of the incoming class at the University of Chicago could not determine which way was north on a…
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Overachiever Who Watches All Orientation Materials Becomes God Emperor
In yet another turn of events during an already untraditional O-Week, one first year who actually watched all the orientation videos is now inundated with so much knowledge that he has become a…
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Coronavirus isn’t a big deal, it’ll be gone by Easter, I’ll be right eventually, it is what it is; Trump Contracts Coronavirus
From the bottom of our hearts, we, the Editorial Staff at the Chicago Shady Dealer, have only this to say: wow, what a BORE this year has been. Truly, how uneventful. It started…
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Last Night’s Presidential Debate Was A Terrible Romantic Comedy
As a self described film-enthusiast, I’ve seen my fair share of romantic comedies, affectionately known as romcoms. From 50 First Dates to Love, Actually, I’ve damn near seen it all, so you can…
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Getting Starting: Five Things I Learned from Online Orientation
The College rolled out some shiny, new orientation programming this year, to the delight of us first-years. And those online Canvas/EverFi modules didn’t disappoint — our Phase I orientation experience was practically a…
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Law School Introduces “Accelerated Graduation Plan” for Future Justices
CHICAGO — In an unprecedented move, University of Chicago Law School Dean Thomas J. Miles announced today that the law school is introducing a new “accelerated graduation plan” for law school students with “strong…
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13 Things This Ominous Timer Could Be Counting Down To
00 : 00 : 00 : 00 days hrs mins secs The election (if you thought it was on Nov. 3, you’re wrong, get to voting, dumbass) Your parents’ divorce The next…
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Shady Dealer Accepts Nell Rydzewski in Baffling Strategic Move
Let’s face it. 2020 possesses all of the charm of an overly affectionate leech: sure, we know its intentions are good, but warm, fuzzy feelings do nothing to stop a blackout from blood…
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What Thought Will the Chicago Thinker Think Next?
How did I get here? Do taller people always have bigger feet? How do I work this? If the floor’s made out of floor, is the roof made out of roof? Where is…
