From the bottom of our hearts, we, the Editorial Staff at the Chicago Shady Dealer, have only this to say: wow, what a BORE this year has been. Truly, how uneventful. It started with a no-big-deal-minor-virus popping up in a little country called China, leading our President to rightfully assure us that it was all going to be just fine and that it was definitely going to disappear.
With that, we calmly dozed our way through Winter; come March, we were all pretty sure it was going to be just fine, like it always had been, and that the virus that had already disappeared was going to disappear again, just in time for everyone’s favorite rabbit-and-crucifixion holiday, Easter. Well Easter came and went and we were as calm as ever, because we were just fine! And why wouldn’t we be? It’s EASTER!
Eventually, we prevailed and got rid of the virus — which is good, because summer was just around the corner, and after doing all that prevailing we all deserved a nice, fun break where we could enjoy the sun, bleach, and hydroxychloroquine while waiting for the virus to fade away — not that it hadn’t faded away in the past-tense. While we were obviously right to say that the virus would go away, we were wrong in that — while getting better — the problem got worse and cases went up which — we’re told — is the opposite of down. But logic says that we’ll be “right eventually, so even though we were wrong, in the future we’ll be right so why not just skip ahead to when that’s the case. Anyways, after getting over our relationship with the WHO like a bad cold — sorry, habit — summer was drawing to a close and fall was fast approaching.
With the end of summer came the end of the disappearing virus, which had faded, disappeared, and been prevailed so hard it just decided to go away. It would have been nice to have had a more memorable summer, one that we could look back on fondly years later as we reminisce with old friends about the heyday of our youth, and that time 200,000+ people died.
But it is what it is.
We’d rounded the final turn, and as the leaves started to fall and the air got a little colder, we headed back indoors to spend some good old-fashioned quality time with our friends, but without the masks now, you know? I mean, we do put on masks every time we think we need them, but not every time we see each other, not with the biggest mask we’ve ever seen. There’s nothing like the chilly fall air, am I right? It’s the small pleasures in life you want to hold onto, things like breathing; especially after we’d prevailed the shit out of that allergy or whatever.
Oh, and then Trump contracted Coronavirus. Man, what a boring year.