Chicago Shady Dealer

Overachiever Who Watches All Orientation Materials Becomes God Emperor

In yet another turn of events during an already untraditional O-Week, one first year who actually watched all the orientation videos is now inundated with so much knowledge that he has become a god emperor. 


“This might sound bad haha, but I always kinda knew I was better than everyone else, I guess?” says Nathan Fillerstein, who now can move things with his mind, in a display of power many have likened to “that one motherfucker from the X-Men.” Fillerstein started with the modules and is now doing a deep dive into the introduction videos to the various UChicago graduate schools. “I just like learning,” said Fillerstein, sipping his oat milk latte while the weather changed based on his mood. “I guess other people just aren’t like that.” 


Fellow students are in awe of Fillerstein’s vast knowledge and likely large penis. “The whole god emperor thing is cool, and hail Fillerstein and all that,” said fellow first-year Amy Richards. “But for me, the really impressive thing is that he just watched all of the orientation videos. Because, like, I was really curious about how long it took Saieh Hall to be built, so I’m grateful Nathan took it upon himself to tell me unprovoked.” 


When asked if the College knew about the effects of finishing all the orientation material, Dean Boyer replied with a surprising yes. “Well, we knew about it in theory. But we never actually expected anyone from UChicago to get through all of that information. To be honest, we expected it to be a Harvard student or something.” 


As of now, Fillerstein has not used his powers that much, choosing instead to spend his time asking various people if they know how Maroon Dollars work.