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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Historical Issue

    Cavepeople Enjoying Game of Rock, Rock, Stone

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 27, 2023

    "It would be a vast improvement over the classic children’s game of rock, rock, rock."

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  • Historical Issue

    Scientists Finish Figuring Out Which Berries Kill You

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 26, 2023

    The scientists who have compiled this list have not publicly revealed their methods, but an inside source claims it was done through a highly advanced scientific process known as “trial and error.”

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Ye Olde Book Review: The Bible- 7/10, Needs Work

    Andre Dang and 1 more / April 26, 2023

    Ultimately, we found that the story is fairly unrealistic, with a deeply unrelatable protagonist “God” isolating the audience from the other characters, which we ultimately come to know and love.

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  • Historical Issue

    Top 20 Men In Your Village Who Aren’t Your Brother

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 25, 2023

    #13 will shock and impress you!

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Meet the Local Cow Named Least Likely to Burn Down City

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 25, 2023

    When reached for comment, O’Leary stated that she was “mighty proud of Betsy” and, now that the cow was newly certified not to be fire-prone, would reward her with a toasty gas lamp…

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  • Historical Issue

    Man Shouts Fire in Crowded Library of Alexandria

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 24, 2023

    Last Thursday, shortly after the sundial struck VIII, a fire reportedly broke out in the geometry section of the Library of Alexandria, where a crowd had gathered to watch famed geometer Eratosthenes Pedantos’…

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  • Historical Issue

    Jackass Runs 26.2 Miles, Demands Medal

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 23, 2023

    After running this distance and relaying his message, that narcissist Pheidippides reportedly demanded a medallion of pure gold, eyewitnesses reported.

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  • Historical Issue

    Analyst Who Predicted Eight of the Last Ten Plagues Predicts Another

    / February 6, 2019

    Ahmenhatek VIII, a diviner and analyst from north of Memphis, is renowned across the kingdom for accurately predicting eight of the last ten plagues. His 2500 B.C. papyrus entitled “Buy Gold Before the…

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  • Historical Issue

    Get Ripped Like A Hill Tribesman: Follow This New Workout and Diet Plan to Lose That Valley Dweller Flab

    / February 6, 2019

    Tired of looking like a less-than-great ape? Sick of falling behind on hunts? Feel like a loser while watching those hill tribesmen get laid at the solstice celebration? Diet: It’s easy to let…

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  • Historical Issue

    Point/Counterpoint: The Invention of Calculus

    Rahul Gupta / February 6, 2019

    Gottfried Leibniz Did Not Read Doing Honest Work in College By Isaac Newton Gottfried Leibniz is a lying plagiarist. I spent twenty freaking years toiling over my books and deriving mathematical equations, and…

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