The spokesperson for this committee asserted that “a healthy amount of hydrogen and oxygen atoms will enter the student’s stomach instead of the sugar they inhale all the time.” She asked us to…

Is the Chicago wind drying your skin? Could your pores get any larger? Are you plagued by stress breakouts because this school has no idea what a manageable workload is? Worry no more,…

“We’ve resorted to digging pit bathrooms behind the counter,” Andi Brown, a barista at Cobb Café, reported, “It doesn’t smell because the cold has halted the decomposition process, so that’s neat.”

Naturally, some acts of dishonesty were more reprehensible than others. One anonymous third-year who majors in East Asian Languages and Culture and lives in Room 312 in Flint house in Max P stated,…

Since the undergraduate student body clearly seems to be lacking cultural refinement, I have decided to extend your Core Curriculum requirements by adding a mandatory quarter abroad. It is therefore my great pleasure…

Students were shocked to see paramedics so late on Halloween as the ambulance arrived at the Regenstein library at 11am. Students skipping their 8 and 9:30 am classes interrupted their cognitive haze to…

As the RA Bob McSchmob explained in his introductory email, this is “the Disneyland of Rutabaga picking in Wisconsin! We’ve got Alta-Sweet, Improved Long Island, and even some Granny Jones Rutabagas! Even though…

First year Micah Powell called the changes “ridiculous.” “There’s no reason the login needs to be this difficult. I went to the tech help desk at the Reg and they told me to…

First-year biology major Ann Bitious was delighted to find that the graduate students in the lab she joined as an undergraduate research assistant possessed the dead gazes and exhausted slumps she had hoped…

"Frankly, this development is extremely disheartening," added Dr. Catherine Lippitz. "It was only a few months ago that we emerged from our battle with croup that claimed two to three hundred students' lives,…