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Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Campus Life

    Thief Returns Android User’s Phone

    Alasdair Greenland / November 28, 2022

    Upon seeing that the student had an Android, however, the thief immediately returned all the student’s possessions.

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  • Campus Life

    Moses! Danny DeVito! Your Dad! What Are the Chances That These Iconic Men Will Get Into Fiji This Saturday Night?

    Kim Impossible / November 26, 2022

    Sanderson is to frat bros what Moses was to the Israelites. However, he’s not entering without first engaging the bouncer in a discussion on why taxation is socialism.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Seven UChicago Changes to Be Aware of Despite Their Lack of Importance

    Alasdair Greenland / November 25, 2022

    In a surprise move, the Registrar’s office has announced that they will be adding two new zeros to the ends of all course IDs, effective starting winter quarter.

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  • Campus Life

    Ethics Professor Requires Own Textbook for His Class

    Justin B / November 16, 2022

    Professor Hartwell went on to specifically stress that no one should engage in unethical acts online, especially the piracy of copyrighted textbooks.

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  • Campus Life

    Attention Professors: Best Gen Z Words to Add to Your Lectures

    Pascal Knowles / November 15, 2022

    Your least favorite student just got something wrong on a problem set? Guess they just got “ratioed.”

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  • Campus Life

    Uh Oh! Frat Guy You Just Met Knows a Little Too Much About Title IX

    Anonymous / November 11, 2022

    “William is a pretty quiet guy, except when our Self class starts talking about gender inequality. He sure has a lot of thoughts about gender inequality.” When pressed for details, second-year classmate Elizabeth…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Review: UChicago Student Bookstore’s New Chastity Belt

    Drew Peacock / November 10, 2022

    Consumers should be aware that they are not suitable for those with plastic allergies, leaving rashes in awkward areas.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    To Prevent Theft of Silverware, Dining Halls Implement Body Cavity Search

    Aidan Cessor / November 9, 2022

    President Alivisatos announced at a press conference, ''We implemented this policy to protect our utensils. As a side benefit, we’re saving so much money on replacing lost silverware. Now, my giant mound of…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Mansueto Finally Hatches

    Lentil Riggsby / November 4, 2022

    Already, some students are petitioning for “Babysueto” (as they’re calling it) to become the school’s new mascot. Administrators argue that Babysueto’s limbs are too complicated to fit on the academic crest, but this…

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  • Campus Life

    In Desperate Bid to Save Healthy Students, UChicago to Isolate the COVID Negative

    David Wang / November 3, 2022

    Once the walls of Woodlawn have been breached, UChicago Campus Housing will lead the remaining healthy students to the roof, where they will be airlifted to Stony Island. When asked about potential capacity…

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

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  • Everyone Saw You Press “No Tip”
  • Study Reveals 90% of Group Project Work Done by One Sad Student
  • Bartlett to Follow Agriculture Department Advice: Meals to Feature Tortilla, Broccoli, and Maybe Chicken
  • Parents Befriend Student’s Least Favorite Professor During Model Class
  • Trump to fire all Via drivers amid government shutdown
  • CTA Transit Bill Stalls Over Whether Chartreuse or Magenta Is Better Name for Line
  • Point: I Want a Situationship / Counterpoint: I Think I’m in Love with Her
  • I only know Jeffrey, WHO THE FUCK IS MARK EPSTEIN?
  • 6 moral systems that say it’s okay for me to work for Raytheon

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