Edwards reportedly approached Poundsmith and declared, “I’m the coolest kid in school now. I’m the big cheese,” before striking him in the jaw. According to witnesses, Edwards subsequently made Poundsmith eat a bug.…

Kappa Theta Pi You told your parents you joined a frat, and they laughed. You go to your room and open up LeetCode. You’ll show them.

Resident Head Dean Giommatti noted the convenience of this revelation. “Making friends in college can be hard, and so it’s a lot easier when you all went to high school together.”

Nondorf explained that UChicago will begin searching far and wide to develop a tight group of ten Quizbowlers, recruiting men from across Stuyvesant High School: “By this time next year, we want to…

“To be honest, I haven’t really had a conversation with a stranger that lasted more than four minutes since that Home Depot employee caught me pilfering spackle in April,” Kyle told the Dealer…

Speaking with The Dealer, former-provost Ka Yee C. Lee said, “We at the University of Chicago have always supported free speech and discussion. We look forward to engaging Chat-GPT in an open and…

“We’re not sure why this happened, but we’re looking into every possibility, from illegal voting, to irregular vote counting, to a squirrel dancing on a keyboard, which is the current leading theory.”

The scouting report on Henderson is quite poor, calling him "the worst draft prospect in the past 50 years. He combines Shaquille O’Neal’s three-point shooting and Wilt Chamberlain’s free throw percentage."

The New York Times columnist rejected the claim, stating that he “would never feed on people’s blood while they sleep.” He then added, “but if I did, I think they should have to…