Campus Life

Pearson Institute Established to Resolve Global Conflict Between Econ Majors, Rest of World

By Breck Radulovic
Oct. 8, 2015

News of a $100 million donation was well received, with both Economics majors and human beings with souls agreeing that the new Pearson Institute for the Study and Resolution of Global Conflicts would help ease tensions between future millionaires and future happy, but otherwise unsuccessful and entirely unremarkable people.

Second-year Philosophy major Tatum Adams and third-year Economics major Chet Johnson were excited to hear about the Institute at the RSO fair.

“There’s been a bit of ill-will between people like me and people like Chet, but the announcement of the Pearson Institute has already begun to bring us closer together” said Adams, who described himself as “not a saint or anything, but someone who thinks about other people once in a while.”

In a remarkable departure from usual heated discourse, Johnson agreed with Adams.

“I mean, I still think Tatum is pretty misguided for thinking that a humanities degree will contribute anything positive to society, but now I realize that she’s just trying her best, you know?” said Johnson.

The Institutes’ booth at the RSO fair included informational brochures and pamphlets, including guides such as “How to Talk to People Who Still Think Communism is a Good Idea Without Being Condescending” and “Not Everyone Wearing Salmon Shorts is a Total Douche, But if You Want to Avoid Them at a Party, It’s Probably for the Best.”

Both Adams and Johnson plan to attend the Institute’s first peer mediation session in October. Johnson expressed his desire to learn what it’s like to put another person’s needs before his own.

“As an Econ major, it’s important to understand why human beings tick so that you can exploit them for monetary gain,” said Johnson. Besides, I’m not a wholly terrible person. I’ll probably donate to the Red Cross every couple years so I can claim the tax deduction.”

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