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An Interview with the First Person to Ever Fall for the Oldest Trick in the Book
MESOPOTAMIA – Thomas Gully, a twenty-three year old farmer in Mesopotamia, was recently tricked into giving away a sheep and receiving nothing in return. He described the experience as “chastening,” saying, “This guy…
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JFK Gets Named After Famous Airport
June 21, 1961 NEW YORK – On July 1st, 1948, the first flight flew out from JFK Airport. To express his appreciation for the renowned airport, our 35th president has officially changed his…
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Nepo Baby Alert! King’s Son Is Named New King
“Everyone knows the Prince got where he is because of his dad,” said one peasant, who asked for anonymity lest he be arrested and hung upside down by his ankles in the town…
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Dealer Investigates: Harper Elevator Actually Works, “Out-of-Order” Sign Revealed to be Performance Art
An investigation recently conducted by both the Dealer and seven TAPS majors concluded that the east tower elevator in Harper actually works, and the “Out of Order” sign outside is an elaborate piece…
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With New ‘Feudal Peasant Deal’, Mac Properties Begins Renting Barren Fields to UChicago Students
Mac Properties has recently announced its new Feudal Peasant Deal, allowing UChicago students to live out their dreams of being medieval farmers legally tethered to a patch of barren land.
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Uchicago Football Loses to Club Rugby
UC Men’s Rugby managed to kick a field goal and win the game 3-0. A wide receiver, who wished to remain anonymous, blamed varsity football’s multitude of dropped passes on the fact that…
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UChicago Football Loses to Club Rugby
Will Tackleman, club rugby’s fourth-year captain, said, “Most of us have never played football before, but we thought this would be a good team-building event for the guys.”
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UCPD Arrests Peaceful Protesters: “The ‘Free Speech’ Thing Stops After 5:30”
This Thursday, UCPD arrested 25 students and two faculty members engaging in a peaceful sit-in inside Rosenwald. UChicago has long been a champion of free speech, except when it occurs after 5:30pm. In…
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First Year Really Wants You to Know She Also Got into Yale
The announcement, which takes place during an entirely unrelated conversation about Hum classes, sends ripples through the cafeteria. Some express shock that a person admitted to an elite university like Yale deigns to…
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Op-Ed: You’re Doing Everything Wrong Already
Sure, you attended the RSO fair, but what are you doing standing there reading satirical articles? Whatever you think we said in the app, don’t forget that our real job is getting you…
