Landmark Study Finds You Responsible for 80% of Global Carbon Emissions

HYDE PARK —  A study released by the Pritzker School of Medicine Friday found a new culprit for the vast majority of global carbon emissions: you. The study, funded by the NIS, found that while every individual on Earth is responsible for the death of the ozone layer, you, in particular, bear the lion’s share of the responsibility. The study also identified your stupid ass as the cause of mass sea turtle death, ocean acidification, the Great Pacific Garbage patch, acts of terrorism, every single wildfire in California, and the 2008 Recession.

Luckily, the Pritzker School of Medicine also suggested that the best ways to mitigate the terrible destruction you’ve wrought mitigate the terrible destruction you’ve wrought is to increase your news consumption and constantly show your support for Greta Thunberg on Twitter.

Is there a solution to this problem? — Pritzker researchers noted that “not being such a greedy, over-consuming slob all the time ” would go a long way to saving the environment.