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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Campus Life

    Heartbreaking: Child in Mongolia Doesn’t Know Who Nestor Is

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / May 26, 2021

    The University of Chicago community was shocked Monday after reports surfaced that a six-year-old child from a village in northern Mongolia is unaware of the existence of Nestor the Midway Cat. Nestor the…

    read more
  • Scientific Excellence

    Yay for the Youth! CDC Finds New COVID Vaccine Side Effect To Be “Just Like Getting High on LSD”

    Kate Kaplin / May 24, 2021

    The Center for Disease Control (CDC) released a statement last night stating that in addition to the flu-like symptoms, COVID vaccines can also lead to feelings of complete ecstasy and otherworldliness.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Pluto Becomes Planet Again after Quarantine Weight Gain

    Jackson McNamee / May 12, 2021

    After a long stint of exclusion from planetary classification, Pluto has finally put on enough weight to qualify as a planet. Its weight gain results largely from a breakdown of daily habits and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Mad-Libs: Write a Thinker Article!

    Drew Landrowski / May 10, 2021

    On campus, I was “cancelled” by my so-called “tolerant” peers for [VERB ENDING IN -ING] a(n) [SINGULAR NOUN] at Cathey Dining Commons. Under the Reagan administration, such a display would have been welcomed,…

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  • Campus Life

    New Admissions Essay Prompts To Produce the Worst Roommates You’ll Ever Have

    Victor Tyne / May 4, 2021

    “We were a little disappointed with last year’s haul,” admitted Jim Nondorf, Dean of Admissions. “This time, I know we’ve got it right. These prompts are specially designed to find the people who…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    In Protest of Care Not Cops Strike, UCPD to Go on Strike

    Henry Mackall / May 3, 2021

    By refusing to do their jobs, UCPD hopes to get CNC to stop demanding that they not do their jobs. “It’s foolproof,” Car Searle State, the current Chief of the UCPD, said in…

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  • Campus Life

    The Shady Dealer Interviews the Thrive Slate

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 3, 2021

    Two weeks after the Student Government election, we sat down with Parul Kumar and Natalie Wang of the Thrive slate to determine if they were worthy of our endorsement.

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Read It and Weep

  • Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife
  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit

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