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Spring Break to be Renamed ‘Kenneth C. Griffin Week of March 21st’
“I hope this new name will remind students that fun is just an obstacle towards achieving their goals,” Griffin told the Dealer. “I also have high hopes that the name will go a long way towards reminding UChicago students that I have a shitload of cash.”
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What I Wish I Had Known on March 11th, 2020: A One-Year Retrospective on my Gilded Age History and Economy Final Exam
The Dealer sat down with UChicago students to talk about the things they wished they had known last March. Well, just one student, really. And most of his complaints were about one history exam he bombed.
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Admin Introduces Reading Hour Every Week That Accumulates Into One Reading Day
"The committee felt that students should be motivated to study for finals before they actually learn the material that will be on their finals, and if you don't like it fuck you your GPA is too low to transfer anyway," Lee's email finished.
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I Failed My First HUM Paper and I Don’t Know Why… ?
My professor just graded my first essay for Readings in World Literature and gave me an F. I’m really confused because I copied most of it from an essay I wrote in AP Literature that got an A. Everything about it is so smart — even I don’t understand it! I guess it wasn’t academic enough… can anyone help me out? Here it is: Splitting Hairs: A Socio-Fatalistic Exploration of Follicular Constructions Vis-á-Vis Gilgameshian Exegesis The assiduous reader will take irremediable issue with the pitfalls of importing a Western follicular model to the Sumerian epic. Here we shall discuss a hermeneutic of masculine body hair and its ubiquitous parameterization of…
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Canada Goose Wearer Cries for UCPD as Feathers Are Ripped Off His Back
“Help! Help! No, not the Goose please please that was a birthday pres… huhhhh… where is UCP-” were the last words of David Vanderbilt, a fourth-year Big Problems Major at the University of Chicago, before he entered a coma after getting the living shit stomped out of him by a local group of aspiring capitalists. Security camera footage showed three masked criminals abiding by the state covid mask mandate sprinting away southbound on University Avenue, leaving a trail of white feathers behind. By the time UCPD arrived at the scene, three days later in response to David’s post-coma call, the feathers had scattered across the Midway. Mr. Vanderbilt’s Big Problems…
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Only Permitted Spring Break Activity is Clicking This Button, Admin Says
A recent email from the College urged students to stay at home and within the Chicago area during the upcoming spring break, and revealed that the only activity the College suggests students do during the break period was to click the button below this article. “We think the goal of the game — to increase the number of times the button has been clicked — will serve as a satisfying communal objective for the College as a whole”
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Frat Cites Disparities in Alcohol Access as Reason to Become Hazing-Optional
In an effort to boost the diversity of their first-year applicant pool, newly established fraternity Delta Iota Kappa has become hazing-optional. The choice comes amid a wave of other fraternities forego hazing requirements in light of disparities in alcohol access among pledges.
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In Bid for Diversity, Board Chooses Muppet as Next UChicago President
After many community listening sessions, international searches, and donor solicitations, the Board of Trustees has chosen Paul Alivisatos as the next President of the University of Chicago. His preceding tenure as Vice Chancellor at UC Berkeley has been marked, according to colleagues there, by slapstick humor, unexpected musical numbers, and lack of any kind of chin.
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