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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Kelly Lo

R.E Stern

Managing Editor

Kate Kaplin

Deputy Managing Editor

Andre Dang

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Copy Editors

Jacob Halabe

Maisie Thompson

Merrin Seegers

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

  • Campus Life

    Spring Break to be Renamed ‘Kenneth C. Griffin Week of March 21st’

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 12, 2021

    “I hope this new name will remind students that fun is just an obstacle towards achieving their goals,” Griffin told the Dealer. “I also have high hopes that the name will go a…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    What I Wish I Had Known on March 11th, 2020: A One-Year Retrospective on my Gilded Age History and Economy Final Exam

    Ian Olson / March 11, 2021

    The Dealer sat down with UChicago students to talk about the things they wished they had known last March. Well, just one student, really. And most of his complaints were about one history…

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  • Campus Life

    Admin Introduces Reading Hour Every Week That Accumulates Into One Reading Day

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 10, 2021

    "The committee felt that students should be motivated to study for finals before they actually learn the material that will be on their finals, and if you don't like it fuck you your…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Failed My First HUM Paper and I Don’t Know Why… ?

    Co-penned in joint fashion by Ethan Ross and Victor Tyne / March 8, 2021

    My professor just graded my first essay for Readings in World Literature and gave me an F. I’m really confused because I copied most of it from an essay I wrote in AP…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Canada Goose Wearer Cries for UCPD as Feathers Are Ripped Off His Back 

    Clayton Lovell / March 7, 2021

    “Help! Help! No, not the Goose please please that was a birthday pres… huhhhh… where is UCP-” were the last words of David Vanderbilt, a fourth-year Big Problems Major at the University of…

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  • Campus Life

    Only Permitted Spring Break Activity is Clicking This Button, Admin Says

    Deblina Mukherjee and 1 more / March 7, 2021

    A recent email from the College urged students to stay at home and within the Chicago area during the upcoming spring break, and revealed that the only activity the College suggests students do…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer,  Off-Campus Life

    Frat Cites Disparities in Alcohol Access as Reason to Become Hazing-Optional

    Lukian Kling / March 5, 2021

    In an effort to boost the diversity of their first-year applicant pool, newly established fraternity Delta Iota Kappa has become hazing-optional. The choice comes amid a wave of other fraternities forego hazing requirements…

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  • Campus Life,  Scientific Excellence

    In Bid for Diversity, Board Chooses Muppet as Next UChicago President

    🅱️alter / March 1, 2021

    After many community listening sessions, international searches, and donor solicitations, the Board of Trustees has chosen Paul Alivisatos as the next President of the University of Chicago. His preceding tenure as Vice Chancellor…

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Read It and Weep

  • Allen Sanderson Becomes Sociologist by Light of Full Moon
  • After Years of Confusion, PSI Decides to Just Become a Frat
  • Wanna Feel Better About Politics? Donate to These 4 Inspirational Democrats Running in Districts They Have No Chance Whatsoever of Winning
  • Woodlawn Announces Intramural Cockfighting League to Boost House Culture
  • Pope Francis Considering a 2024 Bid for Dalai Lama
  • Why is the Trolley Problem On My Econ P-Set, and What Did Y’all Get?
  • MAB Bans Non-Black Concertgoers from Saying N-Word at Summer Breeze, Causes Stir
  • Breaking: Your New Student Government
  • Sexy Jesus & Apoptles Rumble Time!!!
  • Four Complaints I Would Have About UChi-Con – If I Went, Which I Definitely Didn’t

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