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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • 8=Democracy

    Fuck It, We’re Launching a Data Journalism Site

    Chicago Shady Dealer / September 28, 2020

    They said it couldn’t be done. They said it was logistically impossible—we were “students” with “work to get done”. They said we were just a “minor college humor magazine” and that we “didn’t…

    read more
  • 8=Democracy

    We Asked Each State’s Residents Who They Were Voting For. Here’s What They Told Us.

    Ishaan Singh / September 28, 2020

    Collecting national polling results, and filtering out for the ones that had words instead of big numbers, gave us the following easy to follow and mostly accurate polling results. Nate Silver himself rated…

    read more
  • 8=Democracy

    It’s Your God-Given Right to Overreact to the FiveThirtyEight Election Forecast

    R.E. Stern / September 28, 2020

    With political candidates in today’s 24-hour news cycle, it’s less “what have you done for me?” and more “what have you done for me lately?” Who cares which political candidate is best for…

    read more
  • 8=Democracy

    In 2020, Which Issues are UChicago Students Most Concerned About?

    Kate Kaplin / September 28, 2020

    We decided that it was time to leave the dark cramped maintenance closet of our headquarters and hit the streets and see what the people had to say about the key issues this…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Getting Starting: Five Things I Learned from Online Orientation

    Madeleine Roberts / September 24, 2020

    The College rolled out some shiny, new orientation programming this year, to the delight of us first-years. And those online Canvas/EverFi modules didn’t disappoint — our Phase I orientation experience was practically a…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Law School Introduces “Accelerated Graduation Plan” for Future Justices

    / September 22, 2020

    CHICAGO — In an unprecedented move, University of Chicago Law School Dean Thomas J. Miles announced today that the law school is introducing a new “accelerated graduation plan” for law school students with “strong…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    13 Things This Ominous Timer Could Be Counting Down To

    Chicago Shady Dealer / September 20, 2020

    00 : 00 : 00 : 00 days hrs mins secs   The election (if you thought it was on Nov. 3, you’re wrong, get to voting, dumbass) Your parents’ divorce The next…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Shady Dealer Accepts Nell Rydzewski in Baffling Strategic Move

    Nell Rydzewski / September 15, 2020

    Let’s face it. 2020 possesses all of the charm of an overly affectionate leech: sure, we know its intentions are good, but warm, fuzzy feelings do nothing to stop a blackout from blood…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    What Thought Will the Chicago Thinker Think Next?

    Talking Heads / September 9, 2020

    How did I get here? Do taller people always have bigger feet? How do I work this? If the floor’s made out of floor, is the roof made out of roof? Where is…

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Politics

    Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island. Counterpoint: Safe Spaces are Bad

    University of Chicago Administration / September 9, 2020

    Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island By Provost Ka Yee C. Lee, August 2020 Public health guidelines call for anyone who has tested positive for COVID-19 to be…

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife
  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit

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