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Guide Laughs Nervously as Sick, Decrepit Fourth Year Passes Campus Tour Group
One campus tour was turned upside-down yesterday after Scott Madden, a second-year tour guide, passed through Hull Gate and moved his group of bright-eyed high school seniors in front of the Reg. All…
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My Student Government Platform? More Hammocks
Spring quarter can be a stressful time for everyone. Some people are saying their goodbyes to this campus as they prepare to enter the real world, others cling to Hyde Park as they…
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Dean Nondorf Returns to Cryo-Freezer as Prospie Season Ends
With the campus no longer awash in eager and precocious high schoolers, Dean Nondorf is returning to cryogenic slumber until the next admissions cycle resumes. Shane Zimmer, Robert Zimmer’s secret bastard child and…
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At Long Last: University Announces 36,000 Square Foot Wingers to Replace Treasure Island
Per a report released earlier today, the University’s Office for Community Engagement announced that the former Treasure Island location will become the new Wingers location. Wingers, the much-beloved diner specializing in American cuisine,…
