Campus Life

Guide Laughs Nervously as Sick, Decrepit Fourth Year Passes Campus Tour Group

One campus tour was turned upside-down yesterday after Scott Madden, a second-year tour guide, passed through Hull Gate and moved his group of bright-eyed high school seniors in front of the Reg. All was well as he chattered about collaborative learning and the A-level–that was, until it appeared. Madden watched in horror as a pale apparition emerged from the Reg, coughing and muttering about his thesis. “Oh geez, and to think I was gonna make the ‘where fun goes to thrive’ joke,” Madden commented. “I don’t think that any tour guide could come back from that one.”

The zealous parents faces distorted as fourth year Walt Wiseman pulled a pack of Marlboro menthols from his pocket and lit one, tearing down Zimmer’s façade of quirky fun and adequate counseling services in one swift smoke-break. Screaming warnings about the school has long proven ineffective, but Wiseman may have made a breakthrough in the field of torturing the Administration. When asked to make a comment, Wiseman took a long drag from his cigarette, sneered, and countered with, “Are you wearing a wire?”

Thrown off his game but still excruciatingly positive, Madden made a quick zinger about dorm flu, capping it off with a quick plug for Student Health (which he thinks is just so convenient). Stuck the landing, buddy!

Drew Landrowski

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Director of Special Projects, 2019-20