Millions of Souls Stuck in Limbo as Heaven Undergoes Maintenance
PEARLY GATES—The afterlife has been thrown into turmoil following the abrupt announcement that the Kingdom of Heaven would be shutting its doors to new arrivals for the foreseeable future to account for “desperately needed renovations.”
Souls who made their way to the Pearly Gates were greeted by a sign bearing the words “SORRY, CLOSED 🙁 GO 2 LIMBO PLS” in chalk. Beside the sign stood a cardboard cutout of Saint Peter, which periodically shook its head and pointed in the approximate direction of Limbo, using Heaven magic.
“We thank everyone for their patience as we undertake this vital maintenance work,” said the real Saint Peter in a statement to the Dealer. “We know that many of our customers have spent years or even centuries in Purgatory purifying their souls in expectation of admittance into the Kingdom of the Lord, and we understand the frustration that this additional delay will bring about.” He added that Limbo staff had installed a watery soda fountain and a slightly tilted foosball table to help guests pass the time.
Affected souls who spoke with the Dealer expressed their eagerness to finally reach their eternal home. “I pray they finish the work soon,” said Irene Dumont, dead. “I’ve heard that in Heaven, the squirrels are as big as elephants, and the elephants fit in the palm of your hand. Oh goodness, how I long to see that! Sometimes the palm elephants shoot jellies and jams out of their trunks as well. When I get to Heaven, that’s the only thing I will ever eat.”
“This shit sucks!” said Adrian Malloy, extra dead. “I been waiting an awful long time for this and now they’re doing ‘maintenance’? Gimme a break! And how come all the people already in there get to stay inside during the work? Don’t make a lick of sense to me, no sir.”
No sooner had Malloy finished speaking than a thunderous voice reverberated through the ceiling of Limbo. “Buddy, you just earned yourself an afterlifetime supply of pain and torment,” boomed the voice. “Hope you like it hot, ‘cause your sorry ass is going straight to Hell. Zing! Wait, how is that not the right button? Shit, Gladys! Gladys, get over here. Gladys, which button is it for the Hell thing? No, I tried that one. No, not—fuck, OK. No, no, just forget about it. Just—I’m going out for a smoke. OK. OK, Gladys. Yeah, OK.”
Griffin is co-editor-in-chief for this paper, and was born early in the morning.
