How I Became Wealthy and Successful Using Just the Sigma Grindset and My Parents’ Emerald Mine

I grew up in what I’d consider a working class family – we only had three houses and none of them had an indoor swimming pool. But now, I’m a wealthy entrepreneur. So how did I go from being so poor  (my first car was a BMW instead of a Bugatti like I asked for) to being as rich as I am now? Well, it was all because of my dedication to the sigma grindset.

I wake up every day at 4.30am and take a quick cold shower (5 minutes at 40 degrees). Then I start trading on the stock market. By 11.00 am I’ve usually made a profit of around negative 50%. I then call Mommy and Daddy and tell them I love them and I need some more money. By lunchtime, I have a brand new 100K in my trust fund and am feeling manly.

After a healthy lunch (baby formula – I haven’t yet learnt to cook), I log onto Twitter to defend my parents’ emerald mine: if I get richer, then everyone else will get richer too, because of trickle-down economics. This is the phenomenon where when you piss on the people poorer than you, the pee trickles down. In theory the urine is money, but in practice it’s just piss.

I’ve also started my own company, which pays its employees minimum wage, and I’m campaigning to lower the minimum wage further. This will make me richer, which will make all my employees richer too – and it’s all because of the sigma grindset, baby.

After my hard-working afternoon grinding out sigmas, I have a romantic dinner with my girlfriend, where I complain about people who criticise me and ignore everything she says to me by candlelight over a glass of Richebourg. I then go to sleep at 9.30pm, so I can wake up bright and early in the morning – after all, the early bird catches the worm, as long as the early bird is supported by the exploitation of others.

So that’s how the sigma grindset helped me get rich, and since we live in a perfect meritocracy, I’m sure everyone else is perfectly able to do the same!