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Scientists Confirm with 99% Certainty that Struggle is Real
By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 24, 2013 Particle physicists working at CERN Laboratories have just confirmed the existence of the Struggle, the fundamental particle initially theorized in 1963 by Peter Struggle which completes the…
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Birds Elect to Freeze Rather Than Migrate to Florida
By Terry Hines Dec. 24, 2013 This winter, America’s migratory birds have chosen to try their luck with the freezing temperatures of the North rather than face the state of Florida. The plethora…
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New Evidence Suggests Odyssey May Not Be Historically Accurate
By Noah Lemelson Dec. 24, 2013 Yesterday, a report from the University of Chicago Institute for the Study of Ancient Greco-Roman History claimed to have found textual inconsistencies in Homer’s telling of The…
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Oriental Institute embraces post-colonial terminology; to be Renamed “Institute of Exotic Studies”
By Ayesha Wadhawan Dec. 24, 2013 As part of a comprehensive program of modernization, the University of Chicago’s Oriental Institute has adopted a title more suited to the post-modern era: “The University of…
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Santa Requests Extension
By Santa Claus Dec. 25, 2013 Dear Children of the World, Christmas is here! I hope you’re as excited as I am. The holidays are such an exciting time of the year. Eating,…
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Greek Life Participants Gear Up For Annual Festival Of Φώτα
By Dan Brier Dec. 29, 2013 Campus fraternities and sororities are ramping up their preparations to celebrate the Greek holiday of Φώτα, the centerpiece of the annual triduum beginning January 5th and ending…
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An Arbitrary And Meaningless Ranking Of Colleges
By Dan Brier Dec. 29, 2013 10. Dennis’s Friendly College 9. Yale University 8. Harvey Mudd College 7. The Sparxxx School at Cowhands’ Pass 6. University of Chicago 5. Oklahoma State University School…
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President Skintaker-9000 promises an era of lower taxes, welfare reform and less skin.
By Noah Lemelson (year 2116) Jan. 22, 2014 Following a landslide re-election victory over opponent Xylox Phnltük, President Skintaker-9000 took to the podium this week for his second inaugural address. “When I first…
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Muslim Athiest Communist Fascist Runs for Student Council
By Mary Vansuch (1974) Jan. 24, 2014 HONOLULU, HAWAII—A young atheist Muslim Communist Fascist is running for Honolulu Junior High Student Council. An anonymous eyewitness told The Dealer, “He wasn’t even born in…
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President Shot; Lincoln, Theatre Dead
By Maximilian Rochester, Theatre Critic (April 15, 1865) Jan. 24, 2014 Americans across our great union are mourning today for the loss of a strong and noble leader who has carried us through…
