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Making the Most of Your O Week-By the Office of the Dean of Students
By Becky Stoner Sept. 9, 2013 This O-Week, I will: Grow: · 1 (one) inch, 3 (three) pounds Mature: · Mention the word loins during only one (1) icebreaker. Synergize: ·Curate one (1)…
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University Fraternities Launch New Breathalyzer Program
By Daniel Betancourt Sept. 15, 2013 Following the startling success of last year’s “Beer and Bowl Buyback Days”, the University of Chicago revealed in a press release Friday that it plans to work…
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Old White Man Painted
By Evan Bernstein Oct. 17, 2013 According to sources familiar with the matter, a portrait has been commissioned of Dr. Maxwell T. Pennyweather, President of the University of Chicago’s Wealth Studies program. Pennyweather…
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I Can’t Wait To Slaughter The Wellapalooza Puppies For Their Tender Meat
By Lindsey Greeson, Health Educator Oct. 17, 2013 It’s my favorite time of year again: Wellness Week. I’m pumped to go about my day today with just a little more pep. I’ll do…
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Gothic Girls Posted Outside Max P To Heighten Gothic Feel
By Mary Vansuch Oct. 17, 2013 University of Chicago’s Student Health Services have announced a new job opportunity for those in its work-study program:“Goth Girl Stationed Outside Max Palevsky,” or “GGSOMPs” for short..…
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Red Cup Washed, Reused
By Evan Bernstein Oct. 18, 2013 According to roommates, a red plastic cup has been washed and subsequently reused. The cup was reportedly first purchased in bulk for the purposes of a Saturday…
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Well-dressed hipster in your SOSC class died in 1953
By Simon Stanco Oct. 18, 2013 Officials in the University of Chicago Supernatural Care and Radio-Ectoplasmology Department (UCSCARED), after investigating numerous reports of an almost translucently pale hipster attending SOSC classes, have revealed…
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University Boasts Commendatory Environment for Child Laborers in Mansueto
By Ryan Keem Oct. 18, 2013 The Illinois Department of Labor has rated the University of Chicago’s Joe and Rika Mansueto Library a 9.1 on its Busy Little Fingers scale of youth-driven industrial…
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Rogue Admissions Officer asked to turn in badge and gun
By Walker King Oct. 18, 2013 A high profile murder investigation took another turn as controversial University of Chicago Admissions Officer Ryan Sterling was reportedly asked to turn in his badge and gun…
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The worst thing about having celiac disease is that it’s fake
By Nora Helfand Oct. 18, 2013 It’s a familiar Saturday scene: a gaggle of well-dressed college-age women out for an evening of downtown dining. Kicking back into my crimson booth seat and letting…
