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Zimmer Pregnant With Twins: Shadi Bartsch Shocked to Learn She Is Not the Father
By Ben Boyajian April 25, 2013 In breaking news, Robert Zimmer, President of the University, has announced that he is pregnant with twins. Zimmer’s pregnancy came as a surprise – especially given the…
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UChicago Admissions Rate ‘0%’
By Jeremy Archer April 25, 2013 Citing “new perspectives” in education and a desire to overtake Yale in national college rankings, the University Press Office announced today a new initiative entitled “Discard Undergraduates…
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Party Review: Obscure Fraternity Misses the Mark
By Cambria Whitcomb April 25, 2013 The brothers of the University of Chicago’s Sampi Quoppa Stigma (ϡϘϛ) recently hosted a gathering at Regents Park. Unlike many fraternity houses, Regents Park offers entertaining space…
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98% of North Koreans Unable to Find a Map in North Korea
By Sam Spiegel April 25, 2013 In a recent survey conducted by the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea’s Department of Education, and obtained by the Chicago Shady Dealer, a shocking 98% of…
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Tensions Run High at House Council Meeting
By Timi Koyejo April 25, 2013 After a contentious motion was pushed through by a faction of the Booth House Council, tensions abounded this past Sunday, multiple sources reported. “I had always expected…
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Last Man Finishes the Oregon Trail
By Walker King April 25, 2013 As Jebidiah Sheffield staggered into the Oregon City City Hall to claim his homestead on April 17th, he officially became the last man to complete the Oregon…
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US, Nato Invade Dining Hall for Oil, Weapons of Mass Destruction
By Ayesha Wadhawan April 25, 2013 The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has declared “inevitable” an invasion of University of Chicago dining halls, naming them a “primary threat to American security.” Senior U.S.…
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Chalk to be replaced with humongous chalkboard
By Mark Sands April 25, 2013 The University of Chicago Office of the Registrar announced today its decision to replace the online Chalk system with a gigantic chalkboard. After cMore was closed in…
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I Didn’t Know What I Really Wanted Until Chef Brent Made Those Fruit Sculptures
By Woodlawn Resident April 27, 2013 I’ve been expressing strong desires for a number of things recently. I said I’d like the University to acquire and develop less than one hundred percent of…
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President Zimmer Occupies Admin Building: demands less transparency, less student input
By James Ekstrom April 28, 2013 This morning, at 8:00 a.m., University staff attempting to begin work at the University Administration Building found the doors and ground-floor windows locked and barricaded from the…
