By Maya Handa and Becky Stoner April 23, 2013 Hopes Dreams Hearts Livers Everything on this list that is not also a sandwich Paninis The old USPS building Economic activity on 63rd Street…

By Editorial Board April 23, 2013 The University of Chicago has a rocky road ahead. Recently, our school has been rocked by a number of scandals, and we can’t afford to remain sedimentary…

By Robin Ye April 23, 2013 2013-2014 Essay Questions: ESSAY OPTION 1 There are many things people DGAF about. Write a passionate essay on something you don’t give a fuck about. Inspired by…

By Ben Boyajian April 25, 2013 In breaking news, Robert Zimmer, President of the University, has announced that he is pregnant with twins. Zimmer’s pregnancy came as a surprise – especially given the…

By Jeremy Archer April 25, 2013 Citing “new perspectives” in education and a desire to overtake Yale in national college rankings, the University Press Office announced today a new initiative entitled “Discard Undergraduates…

By Cambria Whitcomb April 25, 2013 The brothers of the University of Chicago’s Sampi Quoppa Stigma (ϡϘϛ) recently hosted a gathering at Regents Park. Unlike many fraternity houses, Regents Park offers entertaining space…

By Sam Spiegel April 25, 2013 In a recent survey conducted by the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea’s Department of Education, and obtained by the Chicago Shady Dealer, a shocking 98% of…

By Timi Koyejo April 25, 2013 After a contentious motion was pushed through by a faction of the Booth House Council, tensions abounded this past Sunday, multiple sources reported. “I had always expected…

By Walker King April 25, 2013 As Jebidiah Sheffield staggered into the Oregon City City Hall to claim his homestead on April 17th, he officially became the last man to complete the Oregon…

By Ayesha Wadhawan April 25, 2013 The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has declared “inevitable” an invasion of University of Chicago dining halls, naming them a “primary threat to American security.” Senior U.S.…