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March Madness overtakes nation: Millions stabbed and bludgeoned to death in streets
By Ben Boyajian Feb. 24, 2013 Sunday morning, pandemonium reigned throughout the nation as citizens stabbed and bludgeoned each other to death in the streets. The cause of the killings remains unknown, but…
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Dean Boyer to challenge the Gods
By Mark Boykin Feb. 24, 2013 John W. Boyer, Dean of the College at The University of Chicago, has challenged every major and minor deity who exerts influence over natural phenomena to a…
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Freak Freshman Hasn’t Lined up Internships for Next Four Summers Yet
By Daniel Betancourt Feb. 24, 2013 Considered startlingly reckless by his peers and superiors, UChicago first-year Raymond Santos has completely failed to secure a job or internship for every summer of his college…
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Study: “Unhappiness Just Part of UChicago Experience,” UChi Secrets Most Successful Experiment Yet
By Angela Wang Feb. 24, 2013 Almost nine and a half years ago, a number of the greatest UChicago minds came together for the “first, and probably only, series of interdisciplinary applied research…
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Skrillex Performs at USO Unmanned Drone Tour
By Daniel Moattar Feb. 25, 2013 The USO Tour today staged the latest in a legendary series of musical and comedic performances for those serving the United States in military efforts overseas, in…
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Maroon Dollar inflation on par with Zimbabwe’s
By Maya Handa Feb. 27, 2013 The value of the Maroon dollar has inflated by 5000 percent after the most recent closing of the Arley D. Cathey Dining Commons prompted the university to…
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Japanese Study Finds “Whales are delicious”
By DJ LoBraico March 4, 2013 A 900-year, longitudinal study conducted by the Institute of Cetacean Research in Japan has found that whale meat is “really tasty” and “worth decimating the entire remaining…
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Exclusive: Undercover UCPD Officers Rampant in University Administration
By Stephen Lurie March 4, 2013 A Chicago Shady Dealer investigation has uncovered indisputable evidence that police officers in the employ of the UCPD have been operating undercover in a wide array of…
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5,369 Students Mugged at 970 E. 58th Street
By Matthew Goldenberg April 17, 2013 In a shocking spike in the local crime rate, police officials have reported that nearly all 5,000 undergraduate students at the University of Chicago were mugged or…
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Politically Incorrect UChicago Pogroms Draws Mixed Response
By Stephen Lurie April 19, 2013 Since its first post earlier this week, new Facebook page Politically Incorrect UChicago Pogroms has caused quite a stir. Having already sustained heavy criticism and support from…
