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University to Close South, Max P, Snitchcock, and Burton Judson
By Catherine Alvarez-McCurdy Jan. 3, 2013 Following the positive feedback the University received upon its announcement of plans to close and destroy Pierce Tower over the upcoming summer, the Housing Office has decided…
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University rolls out new Douchebag program to broaden mainstream appeal and seek diversity
By Robin Ye and Zach Augustine Jan. 3, 2013 In an effort to sustain the University’s historic increase in College admissions applications, administrators are working to add more programming, enhancing the Life of…
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State of the Union: Designated survivor dies of alcohol overdose
By Alexander Dunlap Jan. 3, 2013 UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – United States Secretary of Energy Steven Chu died at 10:38pm last night in an undisclosed hospital emergency room, according to a statement released by…
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Population of Canada composed solely of dissatisfied Americans
By James Ekstrom Jan. 7, 2013 Anthropologists and political scientists the world over were shocked, this past week, to discover that the population of Canada consists solely of American expatriates. Overturning previous assumptions…
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Lesser known UChicago alumni
By Nora Helfand Jan. 7, 2013 You all know David Axelrod, Nate Silver, Kurt Vonnegut, and Vixen; Edwin Hubble, John Ashcroft, Roger Ebert and Blitzen. But do you recall the most obscure College…
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Coffee and Doughnuts without President Zimmer draws thousands.
By Peter Berkowitz Jan. 13, 2013 After years of dwindling attendance at the quarterly Coffee and Doughnuts with President Zimmer, Student Government held its first Coffee and Doughnuts without President Zimmer this past…
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Bears Not Super Bowl Favorites Against 49ers, Ravens
By Scott Mendelssohn Feb. 3, 2013 As we anxiously await today’s matchup between the two best teams in the National Football League, one thing is for certain, few expect the Bears to win.…
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Editorial: It is a good idea for us to invade Afghanistan
By Various Feb. 4, 2013 It is a Good Idea for Us to Invade Afghanistan By Raymond Aloysius Chatterton III 1838 – Afghanistan will be the next step in the glorious expansion of…
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I admittedly have no idea what this says
By Arabic Court Scribe Feb. 4, 2013 Medina, Muslim Empire, 651 A.D./30 A.H.: Greetings, Commander of the Believers. I know you’ve been a busy man lately, minting the first Islamic coins, sending an…
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Birth announcement: George Orwell is becoming a Big Brother
By Maya Handa Feb. 4, 2013 January 30, 1908 – Richard and Ida Orwell are pleased to announce the birth of their second child, April Orwell. April, weighing about as much as a…
