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Study: UChicago First-Years Suffer from Lack of Penis Graffiti
By Anna Newport Feb. 24, 2013 A new study commissioned by the Office of the Dean of Students’ has concluded that many of the academic and personal problems experienced by first-year students stem…
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Area man finds meaning in ancient Eastern holy book
By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2013 In a world where many feel technology has run amok, where the Yankee dollar has taken top billing in our collective heart, and where patience and charity…
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IOP Reserves All Seats at “Increasing Political Participation” Event
By Mark Sands and Anna Newport Feb. 24, 2013 Yesterday’s Institute of Politics panel, entitled “Increasing Political Participation,” discussed means by which members of the general public might better engage in participatory democracy.…
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March Madness overtakes nation: Millions stabbed and bludgeoned to death in streets
By Ben Boyajian Feb. 24, 2013 Sunday morning, pandemonium reigned throughout the nation as citizens stabbed and bludgeoned each other to death in the streets. The cause of the killings remains unknown, but…
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Dean Boyer to challenge the Gods
By Mark Boykin Feb. 24, 2013 John W. Boyer, Dean of the College at The University of Chicago, has challenged every major and minor deity who exerts influence over natural phenomena to a…
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Freak Freshman Hasn’t Lined up Internships for Next Four Summers Yet
By Daniel Betancourt Feb. 24, 2013 Considered startlingly reckless by his peers and superiors, UChicago first-year Raymond Santos has completely failed to secure a job or internship for every summer of his college…
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Study: “Unhappiness Just Part of UChicago Experience,” UChi Secrets Most Successful Experiment Yet
By Angela Wang Feb. 24, 2013 Almost nine and a half years ago, a number of the greatest UChicago minds came together for the “first, and probably only, series of interdisciplinary applied research…
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Skrillex Performs at USO Unmanned Drone Tour
By Daniel Moattar Feb. 25, 2013 The USO Tour today staged the latest in a legendary series of musical and comedic performances for those serving the United States in military efforts overseas, in…
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Maroon Dollar inflation on par with Zimbabwe’s
By Maya Handa Feb. 27, 2013 The value of the Maroon dollar has inflated by 5000 percent after the most recent closing of the Arley D. Cathey Dining Commons prompted the university to…
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Japanese Study Finds “Whales are delicious”
By DJ LoBraico March 4, 2013 A 900-year, longitudinal study conducted by the Institute of Cetacean Research in Japan has found that whale meat is “really tasty” and “worth decimating the entire remaining…
