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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Future Pixar Movies that Relate to College

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Hannah Gitlin Aug. 2, 2013 If you’re looking for a good family movie that presents the trials of college and young adulthood in a realistic, relatable way, you’ve probably already laughed with…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tips For Your First Call Home

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Steph Yu Aug. 2, 2013 So you’ve finally flown the coop and driven ten minutes/flown across the country/flown across the world to receive a top-notch education at the University of Chicago. Remember…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Relaunches P.E. Requirement as “Theory of Sport” Lecture Series

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nora Helfand Aug. 2, 2013 It has only been a year since UChicago waived its long-standing physical education requirement to the delight of many of its students. But if you ask eminent…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    ORCSA To Terminate RSO Program, Become Coffee Shop

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Senior Director For Coffee Life Sarah Cunningham Aug. 4, 2013 Due to the overwhelming feedback we’ve received from students concerning our plans for Hallowed Grounds, the Office of the Reynolds Club and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Making the Most of Your O Week-By the Office of the Dean of Students

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Becky Stoner Sept. 9, 2013 This O-Week, I will: Grow: · 1 (one) inch, 3 (three) pounds Mature: · Mention the word loins during only one (1) icebreaker. Synergize: ·Curate one (1)…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Fraternities Launch New Breathalyzer Program

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Betancourt Sept. 15, 2013 Following the startling success of last year’s “Beer and Bowl Buyback Days”, the University of Chicago revealed in a press release Friday that it plans to work…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Old White Man Painted

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein Oct. 17, 2013 According to sources familiar with the matter, a portrait has been commissioned of Dr. Maxwell T. Pennyweather, President of the University of Chicago’s Wealth Studies program. Pennyweather…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Can’t Wait To Slaughter The Wellapalooza Puppies For Their Tender Meat

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Lindsey Greeson, Health Educator Oct. 17, 2013 It’s my favorite time of year again: Wellness Week. I’m pumped to go about my day today with just a little more pep. I’ll do…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Gothic Girls Posted Outside Max P To Heighten Gothic Feel

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mary Vansuch Oct. 17, 2013 University of Chicago’s Student Health Services have announced a new job opportunity for those in its work-study program:“Goth Girl Stationed Outside Max Palevsky,” or “GGSOMPs” for short..…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Red Cup Washed, Reused

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein Oct. 18, 2013 According to roommates, a red plastic cup has been washed and subsequently reused. The cup was reportedly first purchased in bulk for the purposes of a Saturday…

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
  • New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist
  • Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds
  • Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor
  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense

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