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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Classrooms Taken Over by “That Kid” Translations

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Kiara Nerenberg Nov. 7, 2012 A new wave of “uncommon-ness” has hit University of Chicago classrooms, this time in the form of rare textbook editions. “At first, it was just a few…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Arley D. Cathey Learning Center to become Arley D. Cathey Tropical Oasis

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Catherine Alvarez-McCurdy Nov. 7, 2012 At a recent press conference, Dean of the College John Boyer announced plans to transform the Arley D. Cathey Learning Center, formerly Harper Reading Room, into the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Ratner Employee Greets Patron

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matthew Goldenberg Nov. 10, 2012 In an unprecedented display of social interaction, a front desk employee at Ratner Athletics Center greeted a patron coming in to exercise by saying “hello” cheerfully. The…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Excuse me, is this where I email to unsubscribe from your listhost?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nora Helfand Nov. 10, 2012 Hi. I’m not sure if this is where I go to do this, but could you please take me off your listhost? I’ve already taken measures in…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Department of Safety and Security Call for Applications: Student Security Guard

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Tamer Barsbay Nov. 10, 2012 Collaborating with Career Advancement, the UCPD proudly announces a new security officer internship sponsored by the Metcalf program. The latest wave of crimes on campus has necessitated…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Calculus Students Learn Drinking Limits Following Midterms

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Diane Zimmerman Nov. 10, 2012 The best place for a mathematician may be behind a counter, but reports this weekend found them on top of the bar. After a particularly difficult round…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Using Local Resources, Peer Health Exchange Begins Educational Programs for UChicago Students

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jeremy Wilson Nov. 10, 2012 Peer Health Exchange (PHE) recently expanded their mission from promoting safe sex practices in the surrounding community to helping UChicago students understand how to have sex. In…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Have Never Seen a Horse

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jake Frisch Nov. 11, 2012 It’s not like I don’t know what they are, I’m not an idiot. I’ve just never seen a horse. No, not even a picture. People keep saying,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Local Fatty Learns Chinese Through Fortune Cookies

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Stephen Lurie Nov. 11, 2012 Area man Jack Yarborough discovered this week an unexpected and unintended benefit to his Chinese take-out habit: learning Chinese. By his estimates, the 340-pound Mr. Yarborough must…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    We could make a pretty good ski team

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Bobby Zimmer Nov. 12, 2012 I know it’s a little early in the year to start thinking about this, but I’m pretty confident that we could make a good ski team. I’m…

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Parents Befriend Student’s Least Favorite Professor During Model Class
  • Trump to fire all Via drivers amid government shutdown
  • CTA Transit Bill Stalls Over Whether Chartreuse or Magenta Is Better Name for Line
  • Point: I Want a Situationship / Counterpoint: I Think I’m in Love with Her
  • I only know Jeffrey, WHO THE FUCK IS MARK EPSTEIN?
  • 6 moral systems that say it’s okay for me to work for Raytheon
  • Shady Dealer Discovers The Lair
  • Point: Someday, you’ll be forgotten by history / Counterpoint: I sold some really bad copper
  • Andrew Cuomo announces 2028 presidential campaign
  • Heists are back baby! Let’s steal the haunted amulet in the basement of Mansueto

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