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How To Tell Your Parents You’re a Philosophy Major Now
By Jean-Jacques Buterbaugh Dec. 5, 2018 You got home for winter break the other day but you can feel a lingering tension in the air. Your parents seem excited to see you but they…
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Op-Ed: Eight Nights is a Little Excessive
By Sam Nitkin Dec. 8, 2018 Growing up a young Jewish boy in a predominantly Christian area, I get it. You never had a Christmas tree. Your attempts to get your dad to…
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Days Before Christmas, Santa Claus Forced to Halt Gift Production Due to Government Shutdown
By Delilah Stellavic Dec. 23, 2018 When President Trump vetoed the Congressional budget plan that would have kept the federal government functioning through the end of 2018, he ensured the temporary closure of…
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Santa Looking to Split Uber from Midway
By Emily Feigenbaum Dec. 26, 2018 image via stuckattheairport.com After a long night of delivering Christmas presents to the bright-eyed children of the world, Santa Claus is heading back home to Hyde Park…
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Campus Gargoyles Begin Winter Migration to Warmer Weather
By Nico Aldape Dec. 28, 2018 In a ritual as annual as Lollapalooza, other animals’ migrations, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, the University of Chicago’s gargoyles have begun their seasonal trip to hotter locales. Part…
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Jeff Bezos Wife Discovers Amazon Receipt for New “Alive Girl” Online
By Harry Weinstein Jan. 16, 2019 This past Sunday, Jeff Bezos’s wife of 25 years, MacKenzie, found something extra when she was checking the couple’s order backlog. “I was just scrolling through our Amazon orders,…
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Climate Change PSA: Reindeer Can Fly, But They Sure as Hell Can’t Swim
By Breck Radulovic Dec. 5, 2018 Baby, it’s cold outside! But not for much longer. Climate change is reaching the North Pole, and it’s not looking good for Santa’s reindeer. You’ve likely read…
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Halloween Costumes: Least to Most Fuckable
On a scale from 1 to take off those cat ears and jump into bed, how fuckable is your Halloween costume? Fairy Princess: Did you really think that your Prince Charming was going…
