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Op-Ed: Well, This Whole Pope Smoke System Is Nutso!
By Priest Geoff May 1, 2018 The Vatican, 1500 A.D. Well, here I was at the Vatican, ready for the best study abroad of all time. I’d been holed up at the seminary…
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Melville Furious Editors Changed “Crab” to “Whale” in Original Moby Dick Manuscript
By Terence Vestibule May 4, 2018 New York City, 1851 Herman Melville, renowned New York author and poet, was reportedly furious earlier today upon discovering that his editors had changed every instance of…
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University Fails Mental Health Inspection
By Breck Radulovic May 5, 2018 Bartlett Dining Commons The University of Chicago failed an April 16 mental health inspection because of insufficient mental health resources, unsatisfactory support for those in need, and actively hostile…
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Chicago Fire Followed by Smaller, Dumber UChicago Fire
By Thomas Noriega May 5, 2018 Chicago, 1871 As Chicago struggles to recover from the devastation wrought by the recent inferno, the city was struck once again by tragedy, albeit a far sillier…
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Silly Bandz Craze Sweeps the Supreme Court.
By Breck Radulovic – Washington, D.C., 2010 May 5, 2018 Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg Shows of her Silly Bandz Wow! It’s 2010 and every middle schooler, stoner, and Supreme Court Justice is rocking…
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Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters Refuse To Believe They Evolved From Humans
By Ryan Fleishman May 5, 2018 Terra, 3708 Following the Council Of the Wise’s decision to introduce evolution into breeding pod curriculum, the Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters has formally announced their refusal to acknowledge…
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Exclusive: We Interviewed A Campus Gargoyle
By David Manchego May 5, 2018 Hyde Park, 2018 There’s an old Irish (American) limerick that goes something like this: “There once was a gargoyle from Nantucket, then he moved to Hyde Park…
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Pirates Beat Scurvy With New Invention: “Bud Light Lime”
By Ryan Fleishman May 5, 2018 A Cure for Scurvy In an unprecedented stroke of maritime genius, local pirate captain Bart Seaman staved off scurvy for his entire pirate crew by inventing a new…
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A Letter from the Vice Provost on Manifest Destiny: “To the Maroons of the Future”
By Killian Makepeace Warburton May 5, 2018 Chicago, 1895 The Shady Dealer staff was digging up the foundations of Cobb for no particular reason, and discovered a small metal capsule containing a letter…
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Graduate Students United Rally Disperses After Pinkerton Detectives Open Fire
By Daniel Lastres May 5, 2018 An artist’s rendition of the fatal rally Hyde Park, 1892 In a bid to regain control of campus following more than a week of unrest, University administrators…
