By Ella Hester May 25, 2018 Dear Bill Gates, Thank you so much for buying property near our storied university. We have no clues as to your motivations, so we’re hoping you just…

By Antonia Salisbury May 25, 2018 Frarty season is upon us, and you know what that means: barbecued mashed peas and a banana yogurt ice luge.  The Dealer began its reporting at the Fiji…

By Warner Swatkins May 25, 2018 The trouble began when a number of students in Professor Bart Conroy’s third quarter of “Self, Culture, Society” expressed concerns that the readings concerning Dr. Sigmund Freud…

By Reed Thurston May 25, 2018 Startling readers and baffling journalistic style guidelines everywhere, you won’t believe the answer you hear when we ask the hot-button question that’s on everyone’s mind: Did the headline of this…

By Diego Matamoros June 18, 2018 Welcome to the World Cup We here at the Shady Dealer are proud to present our coverage of the 2018 World Cup, the most notable sporting event…

By The News Desk June 18, 2018 Happy Father’s Day! Forgot to get your dad a Father’s Day gift? Forgot that Father’s Day was yesterday? Well, if you’re a shitty child, the Chicago…

By Zachary Spitz July 3, 2018    President Trump announced his choice to replace retiring Justice Anthony Kennedy: a twelve-week-old fetus. By nominating the fetus, Mr. Trump opted to look beyond his publicized…

By Antonia Salisbury Aug. 7, 2018 95 degrees and climbing. It is very hot in this car. I can only assume that these words I write will be some of my last if…

By News Desk Sept. 5, 2018   At a shocking press conference held Tuesday, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reading from prepared remarks, Emanuel explained his last-minute…

By Jacob Johnson Sept. 24, 2018   In an arguably predictable turn of events this week, the UChicago Dean of Students John “Jay” Ellison announced that the College would no longer be holding…