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Student Health Recommends Mindfulness to Visibly Bleeding Third Year
By Nik Varley Oct. 17, 2017 At approximately 5:56 p.m., third– year student Matt Crawford reported to the University of Chicago’s Student Health Services seeking treatment for a sizable abdominal wound. Upon examining…
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ISIS Apologizes For Terrorism With Gigantic Wooden Horse
By Ryan Fleishman Oct. 17, 2017 After years of wreaking havoc throughout the Western world with unbridled violence and hatred, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has finally announced that they…
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I’m Still Trapped in the Tornado Exhibit at the MSI
By Jacob Johnson Oct. 17, 2017 Greetings, fellow first-years! My name is Jacob Johnson, and while you don’t remember me by name, you probably remember me as the awkward blond kid whose sweaty…
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10 Reasons I Cannot Go Back To Miami (The Deliciously Forbidden City)
By Antonia Salisbury Oct. 17, 2017 Home of the day-ger, land of the neon bikini: – Miami, my Garden of Eden, I can never return to you. “Settled in the valley of two…
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Six Animals the Div School Wouldn’t Allow Me to Give DMT
By Nik Varley Oct. 17, 2017 Do animals have souls? Does God speak to them? What happens if you give them a ton of DMT? These are the questions I hoped to answer…
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Letters from the Editors
By Dan Lastres & Milena Pross Oct. 17, 2017 Dear Dan, How are you? My first few weeks of class have been good but stressful. At first I took four classes, but now…
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Eat Pray Labyrinth: How I Found Myself, Stuck In A Labyrinth
By Antonia Salisbury Oct. 17, 2017 Eat, Pray, Labyrinth: How I found myself, stuck in a labyrinth. This is the story of how I, an American woman in my mid-thirties, recently divorced, and…
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4 O-Mances That Should Have Ended By Now
By Deb Mukherjee Oct. 17, 2017 Justin and Amanda: Justin and Amanda. Justin and Amanda. She’s four foot eight, he’s five foot ten, could we make it any more obvious that they’re incompatible?…
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5 Fall Activities That Will Give You a UTI
By Ella Hester Oct. 17, 2017 The air is crisp, the leaves are falling, and you are definitely going to get a UTI. Urinary tract infections are incredibly common for people of…
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Please Remember To Get Your Feels Vaccine
By Student Health Services Oct. 17, 2017 Don’t catch feels this quarter! Autumn has officially arrived, which means it’s time for everyone to get their annual feels vaccine. The CDC estimates that on…
