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“You Can Run but You Can’t Hide!” Screams Chainsaw-Wielding Dean Ellison
By Thomas Noriega May 5, 2017 A peaceful demonstration against the Trump administration ended in chaos as University Dean John “Jay” Ellison ran into the mass of protesteors wielding a Craftsman-brand chainsaw. Ellison,…
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Reckless Partygoer Blindly Presses Apartment Buzzer
By Morgan Pantuck May 8, 2017 Reckless Partygoer Blindly Presses Apartment BuzzerBy Morgan Pantuck Onlookers were shocked earlier this weekend when local partygoer Josh Casey pressed an apartment buzzer and allowed several unknown…
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Five Tips to Maximize The Efficiency of Your Crying
By Morgan Pantuck May 8, 2017 5 Tips to Maximize The Efficiency of Your CryingBy Morgan Pantuck 1. Cry during meals. CWE, or “crying while eating,” is the hip new craze that all…
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Wall Street Is Filled With Evil Capitalist Scum Except My Dad
By Ryan Fleishman May 11, 2017 Wall Street Is Filled With Evil Capitalist Scum Except My DadListen up, sheeple. Now that you’ve spent some time at the University of Chicago, you should be…
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How To Stay Calm When Your Bowling Date Misses An Easy 7-10 Split
By Ryan Fleishman May 12, 2017 How To Stay Calm When Your Bowling Date Misses An Easy 7-10 SplitWe’ve all been there:. yYou‘ are on a bowling date with a seemingly nice girl…
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My Calculus Professor Has Maybe Thirty Seconds to Erase That Goddamn Spot He Missed on The Whiteboard Before The Entire Class Totally Loses It
By Greer Baxter May 14, 2017 My Calculus Professor Has Maybe Thirty Seconds to Erase That Goddamn Spot He Missed on The Whiteboard Before The Entire Class Totally Loses It Every single student…
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Ok, That’s The Last Time I Date An Undecided Voter
By Greer Baxter May 14, 2017 Ok, That’s The Last Time I Date An Undecided Voter So I met this cute guy at a party, and he let it slip that he was…
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An Alphabetical Guide to Parties
By Chase Harrison May 15, 2017 Darties. Garties. RacistConstructionThemedarties. Who can keep track of all the types of parties these days? I can. Yes, I, Chase Harrison, Chief Correspondent of the Shady Dealer…
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Distressed President Zimmer Forcibly Removed from O’Hare Airport for Soliciting Donations
By Dan Lastres May 15, 2017 Distressed President Zimmer forcibly removed from O’Hare airport for soliciting donations An arrest report released today by the Chicago Police Department confirmed that University President Robert J.…
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Heartwarming! After This Campus Tour Guide Fell off the Roof of Logan, Her Entire Tour Group Followed Her Anyways!
By Dan Lastres May 15, 2017 Heartwarming! After this Campus tour guide fell off the roof of Logan, her entire tour group followed her anyways!You never know when tragedy is going to strike,…
