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President Trump Holds Press Conference To Read List of Black Friends
By Reed Thurston Feb. 1, 2017 President Trump Holds Press Conference To Read List of Black Friends In the wake of a turbulent and unnerving transition of power, the newly-elected President Donald Trump…
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High School Student Robert E. Lee Voted Most Likely To Secede
By Reed Thurston Feb. 1, 2017 High School Student Robert E. Lee Voted Most Likely To SecedeFAUQUIER COUNTY, VA — In a landslide victory at Virginia’s Eastern View High School, local student Robert…
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Exclusive: The Negotiation Over the Wall
By Adam Lowinger Feb. 1, 2017 Of all of President Trump’s campaign promises, the most talked about is his proposed border wall with Mexico. However, Trump’s promise that Mexico will pay for the…
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We Are Living In A Post-Racial America
By Ryan Fleishman, 1840 Feb. 1, 2017 1840- My fellow citizens: I am proud to announce we are living in a post-racial America. That’s right;. aAfter decades on centuries of discrimination, we can…
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I Hate Spending So Much Time in the Reg
By Helen Regenstein, 1951 Feb. 2, 2017 Hey, can I bitch to you for a little? I’ve been spending way too much time in the Reg lately, a. And I hate it. The…
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Tips for Giving Blowjobs with Wooden Teeth
By George Washington, 1789 Feb. 2, 2017 This article is for all the sexy women (and men!) out there with a little wood in their teeth that don’t wanna let that get in…
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God Inspired to Create Human Race by Jumanji Book, Not Movie
By Antonia Salisbury, 3760 B.C.E. Feb. 2, 2017 On the sixth day, God’s mom read him Jumanji by Chris Van Allsburg – and from this fever dream of a children’s book, Adam’s image…
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Op-Ed: I Was in the Pool!
By George Washington, 1789 Feb. 2, 2017 Look, I know my monument might be a little … underwhelming. Being the first president and all, I know you you guys probably expected the monument…
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Shitty Club Gets RSO Status, Calls Itself the Shady Dealer
By David North, 2004 Feb. 3, 2017 2004– One month ago, applications went live for new campus organizations to vieye for official registration with the University. Along with this status comes tax exemption,…
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I Should Really Get Into This Housing Market
By Ryan Fleishman, 2008 Feb. 5, 2017 I Should Really Get Into This Housing MarketAfter saving every extra penny I could make over the last 40 years of my life, I believe it…
