Chicago Shady Dealer

Amazing! This Man Turns Water into Wine! But His Radical Politics are Raising Some Eyebrows

By Dan Lastres, Cana 25 C.E.
Jan. 30, 2017

Cana, 25 AD- Jesus H. Christ, a Nazarene of Galilee, seems like your average carpenter. He dresses in open toed sandals, plain robes, and doesn’thardly seems like much of a threat. At first glance you would think little of his average build, fair complexion, and chiseled Italian features.

But, after a local wedding feast he attended ran out of wine, Jesus stepped up and transformed six jugs of water into sweet, tasty wine. The people partied on, although they were baffled and immediately began asking questions such as,likeWwho is this guy, and what other kind of cool stuff can he do?” Well, his talents aren’t just limited to beverage choice. He also managed to save a large picnic gathering by turning a few loaves of bread and fish into 5,000 delicious tuna fish sandwiches.

Jesus and his posse, however, boldly claim that he came to save more than just parties. That’s right, this average kid from the West Sside of the Jordan has big plans and the commitmentfervor to make them come true.

However, it isn’t all good news. People are pretty divided over his radical rhetoric, and its eating into the goodwill he’s accrued with the public by curing the lame and bringing back his brother-in-law from the dead. He’s even made a few enemies amongst the money lenders, tax collectors, and Pharisees who couldn’t care less how cool his fun stories and magic tricks are.

Some of his supporters have even claimed he is the Mmessiah promised by the Sscriptures. Jesus hasn’t confirmed these allegations, but his promise to tear down, remodel, and redecorate the Ggreat Ttemple of Jerusalem has upset many who prefer its simple and timeless aesthetic.

Most people seem willing to support his generally righteous vibes, and growing discontent with Roman rule helps a lot, too. But the Pharisees keep escalating their trolling, and the frustration amongst his own supporters, who think he hasn’t gone far enough to cChallenge Roman domination, may boil over.