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Catholic Church Condemns Stem Cells as Tree Demons
By Marlin Figgins Dec. 8, 2016 The Pope himself, in a grand battle to win back many souls of Catholics everywhere, (especially Long Island, New York), announced that stem cells are not the…
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Provost’s Typo Blamed for Epidemic of Open Intercourse All over Campus
By Dan Lastres Dec. 22, 2016 p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px ‘Trebuchet MS’; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000} p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px ‘Trebuchet MS’; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000; min-height: 14.0px} span.s1…
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In Memoriam: 100 Safe Spaces We Lost This Year
By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 25, 2016 In Memoriam: 100 Safe Spaces We Lost This Year2016 was an all-around tough year for many. Movies, music, and literature all lost foundational figures. More importantly, however,…
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How to Avoid Eye-Contact with Students Trying to Raise Money for Causes You Support
By Antonia Salisbury Dec. 29, 2016 How to Avoid Eye-Contact with Students Trying to Raise Money for Causes You Support Ever since Venmo ruined the “Sorry I Don’t Carry Cash” thing for everybody,–,…
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Local Boy Enjoys Peeling Cheese More Than Eating It
By David North Jan. 4, 2017 Local Hyde Park resident Jacob Levin causedvserious controversy recently when he was reportedly claimed to reported as havingenjoy peeling string cheese more than eating it. Avid cheese consumer…
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An Excerpt from the Syllabus for the New “David Foster Wallace Circle Jerk” HUM Section
By Antonia Salisbury Jan. 9, 2017 “This is water. Don’t worry I am not the wise old fish who is going try and explain to you why David Foster Wallace is both embarrassing…
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Op-Ed: I Have No Idea How Rechargeable Batteries Work and Neither Do You
By Antonia Salisbury Jan. 9, 2017 Modern life ishas been plagued by the pervasive misconception that we all understand how rechargeable batteries work. But we don’t. You don’t get it, I don’t get…
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Sexting Over Venmo: As Easy As It Sounds
By Antonia Salisbury Jan. 9, 2017 iMessage bumming you out? Snapchat not doing’ you dirty like it used to? Never fear, sSexting over Venmo is all the rage in 2017, and you heard…
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How Can I Be A Good Boy If the Concept of Good Is Arbitrary and Flawed
By Fidocles, the Dog Jan. 13, 2017 “Who’s a good boy?” my master asks me. In that moment, my mind is opened to all of the possibilities of goodness in our world. For…
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Apartment Infested with Mugs
By Morgan Pantuck Jan. 16, 2017 When local undergraduate student Mindy Rankin came home from work last Tuesday evening, she knew something was wrong. “I saw two or three mugs on the living…
