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Op-Ed: We Need to Put a Woman on the Maroon Dollar
By Katie Zellner Oct. 14, 2016 It is high time that the University of Chicago features a woman on the front of the Maroon Dollar. The University of Chicago has been a premier…
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Future Campus Architecture Plans Revealed
By Katie Zellner Oct. 14, 2016 Undisclosed members of the Maroon Key Society leaked Monday the administration’s future architecture plans to replace all dorms with ivory towers. The correlation between the new…
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Crying Student Ruins Vibe of Campus Tour
By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 17, 2016 According to insider reports, area undergraduate student Molly Green unintentionally ruined the vibe of an UChicago campus tour given by Ben Smith earlier this week by crying…
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“Noodles” Exposed: What’s Really on the ‘Etc.’ Menu Will Shock You
By David Marques Oct. 17, 2016 Noodles Etc:tc. A beloved 57th Street staple, modestly priced pan-Asian eatery, and a hell of a lot closer than that other Thai place., wWe’ve all eaten our…
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New in Literature: Fifty Shades of Maroon, a Glimpse into the Secret Life of Dean John W. Boyer
By M.E.M.E. Oct. 17, 2016 When a third3rd year Shady Dealer reporter goes to interview American historian and Dean of the College at the University of Chicago, John W. Boyer, he encounters a…
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University Announces Committee on Public Safety
By Teddy Zamborsky Oct. 18, 2016 University Announces Committee on Public Safety In response to what has been referred to ascalled “disruptive student protests,”, University Provost Eric Isaacs announced the re-establishment of the…
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12 Things I got from Shower Sex and Only One of Them is Syphilis
By Marlin Figgins Oct. 19, 2016 1. Syphillis 2. A Bald Spot 3. Athlete’s Foot 4. Athlete’s Gooch 5. 4 Other Types of Fungus 6. A Surprisingly Dry Handjob 7. Very Slippery 8.…
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Top Ten UChicago Christmas Kinks
By Shira Eisenberg Oct. 26, 2016 Whether you’re home for the holidays or poppin‘ some acid and camping out in Mansueto, here are some sure fire ways to getcha into the Christmas spirit.Whether…
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Russian Cyber-Intelligence Retaliation Reveals Four of Eleven Secret Herbs & Spices
By Reed Thurston Nov. 1, 2016 Russian Cyber-Intelligence Retaliation Reveals 4 of 11 Secret Herbs & SpicesWASHINGTON, D.C.— Following the virtual attack which leaked politically sensitive information from the Democratic National Committee in…
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Local First-Year Does Awesome Borat Voice
By Reed Thurston Nov. 2, 2016 youLocal First-Year Does Awesome Borat VoiceCHICAGO, IL — In what eyewitnesses are referring to as a “masterful” and “evocative” recollection of pop culture quotation, first-year student Brian…
