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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Move Over Fruitcake! People have a lot of questions about Soda Bread

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres Nov. 15, 2016 The holidays are here, and you already know that at this year’s party, somebody is going to bring that tangy tough nightmare in your mouth we all…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Opinion: Non-Biology Students Should Get to Do Dissections Too

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross Nov. 15, 2016 I was recently informed that many students, specifically biological science majors, are frequently given the opportunity to wear gloves and dissect hearts, brains, eyes, and other organs…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Texas School Lunches Add “Down-Home Pulled Pork BBQ” as Food Group

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Nov. 18, 2016 In a move made “in the interests of student physical well-being and health,” the Texas State Board of Education (SBOE) has announced it will phase in dowwn…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Nose Goes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Cyrus Pacht Nov. 21, 2016 Wilhelm Schmendrick, who in the last local election had been appointed President of the Nose Party and had previously served two years as the Minister of Nasal…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: Why is Everyone in My Family Thankful for Greg Kinnear?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Nov. 25, 2016 Don’t get me wrong, I love Thanksgiving.  I love getting a break from classes, eating loads of food and spending time with my old friends.  However, more…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Bruce Wayne’s Wife Annoyed All Bruce Does Is Put “Bat” Before Existing Sex Position

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 When he’s not fighting crime in Gotham City, Batman (known asby Bruce Wayne to the publicas a private citizen), loves to be with his wife in Wayne…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Opinion: If You Eat Prosciutto, You Are No Longer a Member of the Proletariat

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 The current state of our capitalist system is dire. We need everyoneall people we can to turn back the rising tide of the neo-fascist, white supremacist bourgeoisie.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Kellogg’s “Rasputin-O’s” Not Selling So Well in Russia

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 In an attempt to remain a global and healthy cereal brand, Kellogg’s introduced “Rasputin-O’s” in Russia. While expecting the cereal to be a nutritious and delicious hit…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Silver Lining: She Might Not Be President, But Hillary Clinton Is Our New IOP Fellow!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison and Milena Pross Dec. 3, 2016 The Institute of Politics announced that former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will be a fellow in residence this winter. Clinton will host a series…

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  • Off-Campus Life

    Five Ways to Have a Great Girls Night In! (sponsored by New Target™ on 53rd)

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

      By Breck Radulovic Dec. 5, 2016 1. Deborah, 53, Hospital Administrator: I love popping into the nNew Target™ on 53rd after a long week at work. I’ll pick up a single-serving Marie…

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Shady Dealer Discovers The Lair
  • Point: Someday, you’ll be forgotten by history / Counterpoint: I sold some really bad copper
  • Andrew Cuomo announces 2028 presidential campaign
  • Heists are back baby! Let’s steal the haunted amulet in the basement of Mansueto
  • Confused Animal Rights Group seen protesting outside NFL HQ after Bad Bunny announcement
  • Religious Studies Class Taught by Pope Leo XIV Cancelled Due to Federal Cuts
  • Trump accidentally destroys East Wing of Woodlawn
  • All Microeconomics 101 Students Swapped into Beginner Akkadian in Add-Drop Fiasco
  • First Year Formally Reprimanded for Failing to Intellectualize Homesickness
  • University to introduce affirmative action for guys named Sean (Shaun and Shawn excluded)

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