-
UCPD Announces Plans to Float Hyde Park 200 Feet Above Rest of South Side
By Dan Lastres Nov. 15, 2016 Responding to a spate of home burglaries and street muggings, the University of Chicago Police Department announced, yesterday, a new plan to relocate Hyde Parkthe neighborhood 200ft…
-
OP-ED: Fuck, You’re Writing Another Paper About Carlos Santana, Aren’t You?
By Prof. David North Nov. 15, 2016 Dear Daniel, Look, Danny, I’m just as big of a fan of the 1970’s Mexican-American latin rock guitarist Carlos Santana as the next guy, but I’m…
-
Perfect Holiday Gifts for that One Friend Who Struggles with Object Permanence
By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 15, 2016 We all have that one special person in our lives who still gets a kick out of playing peek-a-boo. So this holiday season, let your object-permanence-challenged someone…
-
United States Agree to Amicable Separation, Splits into Seven New Countries
By Willamina Groething Nov. 15, 2016 The United States of America confirmed this week that they have separated into seven distinct sovereign nationsstates. The countriey’s‘ media representative told the Shady Dealer that the…
-
Tragedy Strikes! Area Woman Gouges Chapstick with Chapstick Cap
By Willamina Groething Nov. 15, 2016 Sources confirmed Saturday evening that area woman Megan McMahon drove the cap of her Burt’s Bees Vanilla Bean Moisturizing Lip Balm into the vanilla bean moisturizing lip…
-
Visiting Professor Revealed to Be Swarm of Locusts in Tweed Suit
By Nik Varley Nov. 15, 2016 Student’s in Professor Walden’s History of Philosophy class were surprised to learn today that their visiting professor was in fact a swarm of locusts in a tweed…
-
Study Confirms You’d Look Really Cool Cruising Around on that Longboard
By Nik Varley Nov. 15, 2016 Recent research conducted by scientists at the University of Chicago has confirmed that you would look really cool cruising around on a longboard. The researchers, whose work…
-
Move Over Fruitcake! People have a lot of questions about Soda Bread
By Dan Lastres Nov. 15, 2016 The holidays are here, and you already know that at this year’s party, somebody is going to bring that tangy tough nightmare in your mouth we all…
-
Opinion: Non-Biology Students Should Get to Do Dissections Too
By Milena Pross Nov. 15, 2016 I was recently informed that many students, specifically biological science majors, are frequently given the opportunity to wear gloves and dissect hearts, brains, eyes, and other organs…
-
Texas School Lunches Add “Down-Home Pulled Pork BBQ” as Food Group
By Nico Aldape Nov. 18, 2016 In a move made “in the interests of student physical well-being and health,” the Texas State Board of Education (SBOE) has announced it will phase in dowwn…
