Chicago Shady Dealer

Visiting Professor Revealed to Be Swarm of Locusts in Tweed Suit

By Nik Varley
Nov. 15, 2016

Students in Professor Walden’s History of Philosophy class were surprised to learn today that their visiting professor was in fact a swarm of locusts in a tweed suit. Professor Walden, a long term professor of ethics at Columbia University, successfully taught History of Philosophy 1 for ten weeks before his students realized that he was in fact a highly functional agglomeration of insects.

“When I saw the cloud of locusts burst from Professor Walden’s tweed jacket, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing” said third year student Amy Brown. “It’s like, one minute I’m taking notes on the importance of David Hume, and the next I’m being attacked by a huge cloud of angry bugs. It was fucked.”

Many of the students, when asked about their experience with Walden before he revealed himself to be a swarm of locusts, stated that “there were some pretty clear signs that something was wrong” and that “we probably should’ve picked up on this sooner”.

“I honestly can’t believe that none of us picked up on it sooner” said visibly shocked second year Liam Gupta. “I mean, the fact that his face looked like a seething mass of locusts was a pretty clear giveaway, but the class was at 9 a.m., so I guess I wasn’t really paying too close attention.”

Third year Amanda Iverson echoed Gupta’s sentiments. “In hindsight, the fact that his voice was the ceaseless drone of a thousand locusts buzzing in unison probably should have clued us in to what was going on. That being said, I think I speak for all of the philosophy majors when I say that Walden wasn’t the most incomprehensible professor we’ve ever had. Hell, his constant, unintelligible buzzing was still better than the shit I had to listen to in my Heidegger class last quarter.”

“Actually, all in all, I think that Walden was one of the better professors I’ve had” continued Iverson. He wasn’t strict, he never took attendance and he usually graded our papers by devouring them. It was pretty nice while it lasted.”

At press time, the cloud of insects formerly known as Professor Walden were terrorizing Bartlett dining commons.