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I Don’t Know Whether I Want to Spend Family Weekend With My Parents or the Pope
By Sofia Garcia Oct. 12, 2016 Family Weekend is here, which means that students will get the opportunity to spend the weekend with their parents in what is sure to be an emotional…
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10 Negs That’ll Seduce Any HUM Professor
By Jack U. Leighton Oct. 12, 2016 Nice Diploma, is it real? Weren’t you wearing that last class? Aww, that’s really cute. You pout a little when you talk about Ovid. You wearing…
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Uber Pool With Forty Clowns Surprisingly Comfortable
By Jacob Johnson Oct. 12, 2016 I’ll be honest with you guys –. I didn’t mean to request a Pool. My finger slipped, and I didn’t notice until it was too late. But…
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First Years to Skip One Year of Human Interaction with AP Credit
By Baunnee Martinez Oct. 12, 2016 After pressure from the student body for more credit from their AP examinations, the College is now offering Class of 2020 students with 5’s on certain tests…
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First Year Struggles to Hide Stolen Condoms Before Family Weekend
By Marlin Figgins Oct. 12, 2016 First –year Jameson A. Delaney, who requested to be called by his stage name “Jay D- Lane”, is now releasing his first single, which is based on…
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Four Things to Do When You’re Sexiled
By Sue Donim Oct. 13, 2016 We’ve all been there. You‘re are making your way back to your dorm after a long night of studying, only to find a sock has been sloppily…
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What Do You Mean You Didn’t Like My Indian Chief Costume?
By Dean Ellison Oct. 13, 2016 Ok, you Millennials make NO sense. After the whole kerfuffle with the letter this summer, the College Advisors told me I had to improve my approval rating…
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Handy Rationalizations for Not Filling Out a Work Order
By Jack Toole Oct. 13, 2016 Winter, the season of indiscriminate central heating, is almost upon us. A stuck window can make this unfortunate period immeasurably worse, heating your room to within a…
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Complaint: My U-Pass is Stuck in My Vagina
By Milena Pross Oct. 13, 2016 Last year, campus was torn apart by a divisive and polarizing referendum. Critics have referred to it as “Pre-Brexit Brexit” and “The War Between the States Between…
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This Church is Loud Enough That You Can Probably Fart Without Anyone Noticing
By Nik Varley Oct. 14, 2016 Sources confirmed this morning there is enough ambient noise in St. Mary’s Episcopal church to mask the noise of the fart you are currently holding in. They…
